Lilyana - Talking to my father......

Last night, I finally did it. I finally approached my father about the woman. I know I have a right to know, because he is my father, after all, but I was still nervous. I felt like it was none of my business; whom he dated, what he did. But I had to know, I just had to.

It was around five or six, and we were in the barn, feeding the horses. I had chosen this time because my father was the most relaxed when he was around horses. A lot like me. I was just finishing feeding Dunecast; my fathers favored palomino, when my father came around the corner. He smiled at me, long and easy, and I knew it was time. With shaking hands I fiddled with my tiny side-braid; the one I haven't taken out since rachel tearfully put it in two years ago, before out car pulled out of the driveway for the last time. I always twist it when I'm nervous. I knew I had to do it, but that didn't make it any easier.
"Dad?" I stammered, my voice a croak. He looks up.
"Hmm?" He says, and I know he's not quite paying attention. There's still time to back out...But I don't.
"Dad? We need to talk."
"Talk?" He says, his attention totally on me now. " About what, bunny? What is it?" He looks concerned, and I gulp.
"About...about...about.." I stammer.
"Lily, what is it?" He says, and he looks slightly alarmed. Is everything OK?"
"I...I just want to talk about..about..you."
"Me?"
"You know. Rachel....She said she's seen you with a woman. A lot." I say, finally. He looks surprised, as though this was the last thing he expected to hear.
"You mean Grace?"" He says slowly.
"Grace? who's Grace."
" She's.......A friend, I guess."
" A.......Friend?"
" In a manner of speaking."
"Are you dating her?"
Well.....Kind of."
"Kind of? How can you 'kind of' date somebody."
"We used to date. A long time ago." He says. A long time ago? Well, that could mean anything.
"How long?" he doesn't answer. "How Long." I repeated, a sinking feeling in my stomach. I had a bad feeling about this.
"We met in high school." He says, not answering my question completely. " I was going to marry her." Marry her? What?
"Why didn't you?"
"Your mom got pregnant."
"What!! With me, you mean?"
"No! No, of course not. Thats not what I meant. With Caroline." Oh. Caroline. Caroline died when she was two, years before I was born. She had had horrible brain damage, and nobody expected her to live long. I hadn't known she was the reason my parents married. I've never mentioned her before, I guess. I never found reason to, its not something I try to hide. Its not even something my parents hid from me. I've known about Caroline ever since I was little. I just don't think about her much. I never even knew her, and plenty of babies die young. And I know that after that, once my parents were trying to get pregnant, my mother had a couple miscarriages. Then they had me, and then Melanie. Caroline was common knowledge in our house. I remember that when I was six or seven, I would pretend she was still my older sister, and talk to her in my head. It was kind of like having a diary, but without the writing part. I told her everything I did, and what I thought. I made up stories about her, to. I guess every little girl wants an older sister. When I got older, I started a diary, and the caroline-in-my-head went back to the underworld. I still address my diary as Caroline, though.
"Oh. Caroline. So thats why you married mom?"
"Yeah."
"And you loved Grace?"
"I did, although I didn't realize it then. I thought I loved your mother. Don't think badly of me, Lily, but pregnancy or not, I would never have married your mother if i hadn't thought I loved her."
"I don't think badly of you, dad." And I didn't. It made sense to me. "So...when did you realize you loved her after all?"
"A year and a half after Caroline died."
"Oh. And you.......told her that?"
"I did. We had a long talk, and agreed to stay friends."
"Friends?"
"Lilyana, there are some things that children should not know about. Yes, we were friend. I loved her. She herself never married.
"You cheated on mom?"
"Lily."
"You did!"
"Your mom and I were not meant to be together."
"Thats no excuse."
"I never said it was. But I loved Grace. I always have."
"Did you do the same thing with other women, or was she the only one?"
" We were meant for each other. There was nobody else. Lily. Just her."
"You're dating her now?"
"We've...spend some time talking."
"Oh. Will you marry her?"
"If I do, you'll be the first to know. Now, lets go have dinner." He stood, and kissed the top of my head.
"Dad?"
"Hmm?"
"Was she - Grace - the reason you divorced mom?"
"Not really. Your mother and I had problems. Grace didn't cause them. We did."
"Ok."
"I'll always love you though. You know that, right?"
"Of course, dad."
"Good. Lets go make dinner."


I'm glad I know the truth. That he did cheat on mom. I still can't believe that. I had no idea. How had I not known? How had I missed that?  That he really loved somebody else. But..I don't know....call me stupid, but i think it sounds kind of romantic. Kind of. It would be like a story, if it wasn't my dad. But it is, and I don't know quite what to think. I wonder if he will marry her. I can't imagine that, but he might. That's hard to imagine. I didn't ask him anything about...Grace. I wonder what she's like? Is she nice? Does she like horses like he does? Is she smart? Does she like kids? Would she like me? Does she sing like my mom, or is she outdoors-y? All I know about her is that she's pretty-but-not-high-maintenance, she loves my dad, she drives a battered blue truck, and is unmarried. Thats not a lot. Come to think of it, I didn't find out very much from that conversation. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I think he's hiding something. But what? I'm so confused.

Lilyana