Lilyana - Last day in Montana

Its my last day in Montana. My last full day, I mean. I'm leaving tomorrow. I can't believe I'm leaving, it feels so unreal. I've always known it was just a visit, but call me stupid, I've never really felt like I would ever leave. I felt like my two years in Boston was just a bad dream, and now I've woken up,  I could stay in Montana forever. I could stay here, happy, with my father forever, never have to go back. Well, of course not. I have to go back, and I have to go tomorrow. But I don't want to. I want to stay here forever, the warm sun unobstructed by tall buildings, the grass high and soft against my legs when I go riding. It could be almost like before, with the bus picking me up at the end of the road, sitting next to Rachel, her chatter comforting me as we rumbled along to school. Helping my father in the barn, feeding the horses, eating the dinner my grandmother cooked, seeing the stars out my bedroom window every night. Montana is where I've always been the happiest. Nothing in Boston could compare to that, nothing ever could come close. There's no place on earth where I've ever felt as happy, as free, and as content. Sometimes, I resent my mom, for taking me away. I feel like it was her fault that I don't get to see my father very often. At the beginning, I didn't talk to her for a week, because I was so mad. I still am, in a way. I know she had to move, of course, and Boston was a convenient place to go, because of Aunt Jessy, and the good hospitals and stuff. I understand, but I still haven't quite forgiven her. sometimes, I think I have, but whenever i see my father, I forget. I love him so much, and I can't believe I have to leave him tomorrow. I love Boston and my girls, but I love Montana more. Is that wrong? Should I still want to go back as much as I do? Am I being disloyal to my mom? I know she's done everything and more for us, but in my mind, nothing can make up for taking me away from my father. Even what happened with Grace, I still love my father. I'm not to mad at him for going behind my moms back. Things happen, you know? I couldn't hold it against him. I'm not sure I trust him as much as I did before, but I still adore him. He's my father. And if he wants to date - or marry - this Grace, I'm not going to stop him. He's not married, he's allowed to date. If he wants to marry her, I'm sure i won't mind to much. As long as she's nice, I'd be happy for him. He's my father, for better or for worse.

Today, my father and I went on a ride together, and had a picnic lunch. We also had Rachel over for dinner. I don't want to leave Rachel either. Its hard to stay best friends when you're so far apart, and you don't share so many of the same memories. Maybe she can come visit in Boston soon. That would be fun, I think. But I still don't want to leave her. I'm going to hold on to these last moments the best I can, before i have to leave.

Lilyana