Lilyana - Cold Feet?

Hi everybody. As you all know, the Little Miss Summertime pageant is coming up on Wednesday. Melanthe and Samantha are thrilled; right now they are practicing hairstyles on each other. So, whats the problem, then? The truth is, I'm not really sure I want to do the pageant. Not because I don't think I'll win, or anything like that. I just don't want to. I'm not really a pageant girl, not like Samantha. I've never been like her at all. That hasn't mattered, but now I think that maybe it does.

When I first moved here from Montana, it was like entering a different world. I've always been very quiet, very shy, and a more casual, outdoorsy person. But when I moved in with Samantha, I found that she was exactly the opposite. Even at age ten, she had this whole huge life going on, she was taking voice and dance, and getting leads in plays. She was bouncy, and loud, and talented, everything I'm not. She tried to include me in her stuff, but it was all so alien to me. I'd never had anything to do with theatre, or dance, or any of that. I didn't understand it at all. All I wanted was to be back in Montana riding my horses. Samantha encouraged me to start doing shows with her, and I did, for a while. It was kinda fun, I guess. I do like to sing, just when I'm by myself, and not as much as I love other things, like horses and reading. And it's not like I hate theatre, or anything, but it's just not my thing. I'm not a get-up-onstage person at all, but it seems that the rest of them are. And I don't know how to fit into that. They all have their voice classes, and their acting classes, and Samantha is always acting in something, but I'm just that type of person. And even if I liked that type of things, I'm sure I wouldn't be very good at it at all. I mean, just look at who I've got to compete with. They all have scholarships to Sutton for music and art, or whatever. Well, Rebecca has a full scholarship for dance, and Samantha and Melanthe have partial scholarships. Samantha for Musical Theatre, and Melanthe for flute. They are all so, so, talented. Rebecca is one of the best dancers in the school - if not the best - and she plays the guitar. Melanthe is super good on the flute, she's a great artist and designer, and she doesn't even care. She just does whatever.  And Samantha gets the leads in all the plays we do, and she's one of the best actors in the Upper School. Compared to them, what am I? Just a handicapped girl who rides horses and loves to read. And I know that not everybody can be talented and smart, but it still hurts to be the only one in the house who isn't so fantastic. I mean, even my little sister, Melanie, goes to boarding school in New York, and takes classes at the Juilliard School. She's a pianist. The only reason I got into Sutton at all is its good academic program, thats all. I don't do any of the art stuff, I don't do the plays and the pageants, and the concerts. Sometimes, I feel that I'm the only one there who isn't aiming at the stage, or screen, or a professional music career.

Samantha and everybody just expect me to go along with all their stage stuff, but I don't want to. I don't want to parade onstage in a strapless dress and sing, then answer questions from a bunch of fakey looking judges. I get so nervous, and I can't answer them. I don't even know what I'd do for the talent division; I can't ride a horse onstage. If they want to go and do that, fine. But I'm not. That's not who I am.

Lilyana