RIP Caroline

We will always remember. 

"
So Believe that she matters!
And Believe that she always will!
She will always be with you!
She'll be part of the days you've yet to feel!
She will live in your bounty!
She will live as you carry on your life!"

.

Samantha - Typical Drama.

Hi guys, Samantha here. I need to tell you what happened last night, it was just so strange. So, we were all in the living room (Minus Rebecca, of course.) when the phone rang. My mother went to pick it up, and after listening for a seconds, she called for Lilyana's mom. Aunty came down the stairs and took the cordless phone into the kitchen, where she is under the impression we can't hear her. Her conversation went something like this:

" Hi......oh. Ok. No, I don't rem - oh. Her, yes. The blonde? I can't remember. The kid? Yeah, sure. Like I could forget, right? Jesus Christ! Is she alright? Should I......are you sure? You will have to sometime, you know. She's fine. I don't think so. Will she be alright? Are you alright? Do you want me to..... ok, if you're sure. For how long? Why should I? I know about her. I don't care, really, I don't. I understand. Keep me posted.........what do you mean 'Am I seeing anybody'? What do YOU think! NO, I am not! How dare you say that - I never for a second! I care about her health - I would never hate a child for her mother! How could you think that of me! I NEVER SAID THAT! DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE! You KNOW I gave ou money for the hospit - I did NOT! You HEARTLESS thing!"

It was around that point that my mom made us go upstairs.

That conversation left me so confused. It sounded like Aunty was talking to my uncle (Ex-uncle?), she tends to use that tone with him. But what on earth were they talking about? Who is (it seems) sick, or hurt, that they were talking about? What child? What mother? I have no clue what they were yelling about. It is all so strange. I mean, she may not have been talking to him, but still...... What is going on? I am so confised here.

Samantha

Lilyana - Missing my dad and thinking about Caroline.

I really miss my father. More then I did before, I think. I feel so guilty that I love my father more then my mother; but it's true. I really do. My father is the most wonderful person ever, and while I love my mother, and I love living with Samantha and the girls, I would give anything to be back in Montana. I wish I could just run away to be with my dad; that's what girls do in books, and it usually works out. But I'm not in a book, and I could never do that to my mom. But there is a part of me that just wants to jump on a greyhound bus and wake up in the fields with the horses.

Then there's Grace. I honestly do not care about her. Samantha thinks I';m nuts; so does Melanthe; they say that they'd go crazy if their parents divorced, then re-married. But I don't think I'd care. As long as she was nice, didn't try to be my mother, or try to steal my father away from me. But something tells me Grace isn't like that. And that is so not the type of woman my father would even like in the first place. He talks about her a lot in his emails; I can tell he doesn't want to, but it just creeps in. I think he thinks that I'd be upset, but I don't mind. I want him to be happy. Maybe if he got married I'd get to stay with him and his new wife for a while - get to know her, and all. Maybe. Maybe it would be one of those cases where they have a baby,  and my father wants me to be one of the 'family' and I go to live with them! I'm being dumb, I know that. But still. I just want to see him.

I was thinking of Caroline the other day. I'm not sure why. I don't think of her very often. Her birthday is coming up; September twenty eight. She wold have been seventeen, had she lived. Sometimes, I wonder if we would have been close, really close, like sisters should be. I think we might have been. Melanie and I aren't enemies, exactly, not the type of sisters that scream at each other all the time. But we're not yo close either. She's away at boarding school for most of the year; so we don't get the chance to hang out, or talk. We email, of course, but it's not the same. I like to think that we would have been close; even though she's about three years older then I am. (I turn 14 in March.) I could have talked to her, and told her anything. If she had lived. I wish I had an older sister to talk to. I feel as though she'd understand anything.

Lilyana

Melanthe - complaints, basicly.

I am so glad that it is the weekend! I mean, school is fine for talking to friends and stuff, but all the work is really annoying me. It's not that it's hard, exactly, but it is just so boring. I don't know how Rebecca and Lilyana manage to get such good grades. Don't they realize what a waste of time school is? Clearly not, because Rebecca has begun using studying at the library as her secondary excuse to get away from us. (Dance being her first, and must often used one.) And I hate that Maddi doesn't go to Sutton. I do have tons of friends, but I miss being with Mads. I miss talking in class to her a lot. She is so funny; and can always make me laugh in the most boring of classes. But I guess I am making a lot of new friends, which rocks. So enough bitching from me.

On to another subject, I am so sick and tired of people using 'gay' as an insult! How is it even remotely? I hate it when the people at my school use go, like, OMG, you're so gay!" It really, really, pisses me off! It's like saying "You are so blonde!" It's the same thing, people. There is nothing, NOTHING wrong with being gay! Or bisexual, like me. Which is something that nobody at Sutton can EVER know, because while a lot of them are super accepting and wonderful, there are some who aren't. And it's just not worth it. It's none of their business anyway. Samantha, however, seems to think that I should be waking up to everybody I meet and saying "I'm bi!" Good grief. She seems to think that it's a statement, instead of who I am. It really annoys me.

Sorry about a blog post that has basicly been me complaining. I promise more intersting things next time.

Melanthe

Samantha - Homework!

AAAH! How is it the third day of school, and we have homework already! How is that even possible? I just can't believe it. Aren't we supposed to be slowly getting back into school mode; not jumping in headfirst? Sorry. Just getting a bit panicked. It's just so strange to be back in school again. Like summer never happened. Once or twice, I've found myself heading towards my old locker, or classroom, or saying "I'm in 7th grade." It's just so weird.

Anyway, i know this is going to be a super short post; and I'm sorry. I just wanted to say that we probably won't have very much time to blog during the school year. So maybe, lets say, once, maybe twice, a week? That might be the max. Oh, and here are some pictures of us on the first day.

XOXO

Samantha

Lilyana - First Day of School

Hi guys. As you know, yesterday was the first day of eighth grade for us. It was, as first days go, pretty uneventful. Samantha and I are in the same homeroom, which is awesome. Samantha's friend Andrea is also in our homeroom, which is great for Samantha, I guess. I'm disappointed that Ani isn't in my homeroom, and is only in one of my classes. I wish i could see her more. Ani and I are both very shy; so it's harder for us to make friends, and talk in class. It's easier when we have each other. But the really annoying thing (For me, anyway) is that Andrea is in almost ALL Samantha's classes. That is so unfair.  But I guess I shouldn't complain; Melanthe has it worse then I do - Maddi doesn't even go to our school! She goes to the public school; and we all go to a private school. But Melanthe doesn't really care very much. She's such a social person; that she will already have twenty new friends by the end of the week; whereas I'll be lucky to make one new friend by the end of the month. I know everybody is different; but why do I have to be so shy, and people like Samantha and Melanthe are so outgoing? What decides all that, anyway? Genes? My dad is a very outgoing man, and my mom is too. So where do I get it from?

Speaking of my dad; I got a letter from him today. He told me all about the horses, and how they're doing. One of his mares; Auburn Mist, is going to have a foal in the spring! I am so excited. But it's still weird that I'm not going to be there. I just can't process the fact that all that - all my old life - is over there, while I'm still here. None of the other girls have this problem. Melanthe never really talks about missing her family (She does tell us a lot about them, and her sister Kira), and she's not even been here a year! And Rebecca just never talks about her family in general, but I don't get the feeling she misses them very much. I know that it's different - Rebecca and Mellie chose to come here so they could study at Sutton, and I was forced to move here - but I still don't understand. Is it weird to miss my father so much? Is it wrong? I just don't understand why I can't stop missing him so much. I think I'm crazy, or something, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if he got sick, or fell off his horse, and I wasn't there. If I never got to say goodbye to him. I don’t think I could live with myself then. And then there’s his girlfriend – Grace. Who he's seeing a lot, he says. Do you think he'll tell me if they get engaged? He wouldn't keep it from me, would he? Would he? Because I get the feeling he's hiding something from me. Like there's something he's not telling me. I don't know why; but I'm scared.

Lilyana

Rebecca - National Suicide awareness day.

                       Today is national Suicide Awareness Day. 

Wear yellow and write "Love" on your wrist to show support and remember the people who died, and the people that are still struggling.

Melanthe - Hate school.

I cannot believe that it is almost school! i just can't! I hate, hate HATE school. It is the worst thing ever! And I mean ever. I cannot see how anybody (Rebecca) could like it! It is horrible! All the talking, and the teachers, and the tests i always fail. It's the worst place on earth. It truly is. I mean; it's fun cuz you get to see your friends, but the academic side of it sucks. I'm just not good at it! I can't do it, I just can't. I am horrible at everything. I suck at math, I can't spell, and I'm useless at science. Utterly useless. It's just a waste of time to go at all, because I know that I'm going to fail. I wish we didn't have to go.

Melanthe.

Samantha - Almost school...

I cannot believe that school starts in five days. Five days. Summer is almost over but from FIVE DAYS! Where did it go? I have no,no, no, idea. I just don't. Last I remembered, it was the beginning of July, and we were talking about moving. Whatever happened to that? Not a lot. We still don't have a buyer for our house, so, who knows? So what happened this summer? It seems like it went by so fast! Like a millisecond! So much happened, but it seems like such a short time that it happened in! I'll miss summer.

And then we'll have school. I don't dislike school, exactly. Not like Melanthe does. But I don't like it either, like Lilyana or Rebecca do. It's just...school. Inevitable, but not horrible. I'm not a bad student - I get good enough grades - but school is boring. So, so, boring. It is such a waste of time! They go blah, blah, blah, and we just sit there, bored. And they don't even notice! Like.....what? Why don't they see that we are all asleep? I guess they don't. Oh well, to bad for them. I can't believe that in a week I'll be in the classroom. It's just strange. Homework, friends, teachers, classes.....eh. Just school. I do want to try and pack as much as I can into the last days of summer. Before we are herded up and crammed into hot classrooms like sheep penned up for slaughter!

Anyway, on to other things. Firstly, Rebecca. Who has ben acting totally weird lately. As if that's a surprise. But weirder, I mean, then usual. She's all giddy sometimes, and she'll spontaneously do a piroette or something in the hall, or walking down the street. She spends a lot of time on the roof; not just at night, but during the day, too. I don't know what she does up there. She plays her guitar, or dances, I know, but a lot of time we just hear quiet. Sometimes I look out the window and crane my head up to ask her something, but she's not there? Where does she go? She hasn't talked to any of us much for a while. Not since the pageant, I think. She did through a book at me yesterday when I asked her to clean up her papers, which was weird. I just backed out into the hallway, and closed the door. She is just to strange for words.

TTFN

Samantha

Rebecca - Pageant and dancing

I'm really glad I did this pageant, I guess. It was nice to win. I love how it feels when everybody is clapping for me. It makes me feel as though I belong, like I'm 'Part Of It All' like that song says. It's a wonderful feeling. I wasn't nervous at all. I don't really get nervous a lot. Years of performance can do that to you. I'm glad I choose Learn To Be Lonely as my guitar piece, it is such a touching song. I feel that if there was one song to describe my life; that would be it. It is so pretty and so fitting. I feel such a connection to it, an when I play it onstage, it feels very magical. Like I'm up on air, and there is nothing but me and the music, all unhappy thoughts and bad things go away. Thats what I want to convey to the audience in my song. Thats the part of me I want them to see on stage.

I was fairly surprised when they called my name as the winner. It was like this feeling of elation ran through my body. As they hung the medal around my neck, I thought ; This is it. This is the big moment.  I felt so happy, so high. It was wonderful. It's like I've been up on air for the past two days, flying and flying. I can do anything, be anyone.

What I want to do is dance. When I dance, the pain and sadness I often feel just lifts away and withers in the air, and I feel free. Free and unencumbered and alive, like my soul is bare o the world and every feeling is perfect and raw. It is the most wonderful thing ever when I dance. Last night, while Samantha  and Lilyana got their stuff ready for school on the tenth, I went up to the roof and danced. The night air was cool and fresh against my skin, tingling as if it was alive. Like the night was alive, breathing in the warm days and expelling them as perfection. I stood on the edge of the roof, my toes griping the sides. I felt like I could fly. Dancing on the roof, I felt free. Free, and perfect, and astonishing.

Melanthe - On the pageant

I'm super glad I did the pageant! It was just so much fun. I loved being onstage. I love the spotlights, and the applause, and the people. I thought is was great! It was such a blast to go out and play my flute. I'm pretty sure people like it; they clapped a lot when I was finished. The question and answer part was fun to. I'm a pretty good public speaker, so I found that round really fun. It was also interesting to listen to what other people said. There were some pretty funny answers. One girl said that she was content to die right now if only she won. Everybody laughed and laughed. She didn't win, but she was a runner up! So, good for her! Another girl said that the thing she hated most about the world was hamsters. Er..... That was kind of weird. But funny. Funnily weird.

I'm glad that I won forth place. It was really such a shock to have my name announced like that: "Melanthe Rose Willins!" I was utterly astounded! It was the best feeling ever to walk forward while everybody screamed and clapped. Well, except Samantha. I'm kinda glad I didn't win, because a little part of me thinks that Samantha would have killed me and buried me in the backyard. She is SO competitive. When Rebecca won, she got angry and yelled a bit, and stomped around for a while. Then she went to talk to Andrea; who calmed her down, I guess. She says that he's not angry at Rebecca, but who knows? I still expect to wake and find her bed empty, Samantha bludgeoning her to death in the backyard. :) Just kidding. Samantha is more a pistol person. :)

Another thing I love about the pageant is that I met so many people! The girl who won third, Christina, is actually super nice! So is Diana Sinclair, and another girl named Leanne, who didn't win anything, but did a funny dance routine in talent. Actually, Christina invited me to the movies with her and some other girls, so bye! Gotta run!

Ciao,

Melanthe Rose Willins, esquire.