Lilyana - Missing my dad and thinking about Caroline.

I really miss my father. More then I did before, I think. I feel so guilty that I love my father more then my mother; but it's true. I really do. My father is the most wonderful person ever, and while I love my mother, and I love living with Samantha and the girls, I would give anything to be back in Montana. I wish I could just run away to be with my dad; that's what girls do in books, and it usually works out. But I'm not in a book, and I could never do that to my mom. But there is a part of me that just wants to jump on a greyhound bus and wake up in the fields with the horses.

Then there's Grace. I honestly do not care about her. Samantha thinks I';m nuts; so does Melanthe; they say that they'd go crazy if their parents divorced, then re-married. But I don't think I'd care. As long as she was nice, didn't try to be my mother, or try to steal my father away from me. But something tells me Grace isn't like that. And that is so not the type of woman my father would even like in the first place. He talks about her a lot in his emails; I can tell he doesn't want to, but it just creeps in. I think he thinks that I'd be upset, but I don't mind. I want him to be happy. Maybe if he got married I'd get to stay with him and his new wife for a while - get to know her, and all. Maybe. Maybe it would be one of those cases where they have a baby,  and my father wants me to be one of the 'family' and I go to live with them! I'm being dumb, I know that. But still. I just want to see him.

I was thinking of Caroline the other day. I'm not sure why. I don't think of her very often. Her birthday is coming up; September twenty eight. She wold have been seventeen, had she lived. Sometimes, I wonder if we would have been close, really close, like sisters should be. I think we might have been. Melanie and I aren't enemies, exactly, not the type of sisters that scream at each other all the time. But we're not yo close either. She's away at boarding school for most of the year; so we don't get the chance to hang out, or talk. We email, of course, but it's not the same. I like to think that we would have been close; even though she's about three years older then I am. (I turn 14 in March.) I could have talked to her, and told her anything. If she had lived. I wish I had an older sister to talk to. I feel as though she'd understand anything.

Lilyana