Rebecca - I just found out.....

I can’t believe she didn’t tell me. I can’t believe she thought I would think about leaving. I just…..well, this is so strange. I had no idea that this was going on, I mean, i should have guessed from what Melanthe and Samantha were talking about on the computer yesterday, but I didn’t. I’m so stupid not to have, I really am. Haven’t I told myself a million times to be on the lookout? At least I know Samantha didn’t want me to leave, that was a relief. When I skimmed her post, all i caught was “will have to leave”, “Rebecca” “the hardest to live with” “ Never see her again” and “Anger”. I thought I was back in NY for a second, and I felt like i was going to faint. Then I thought that maybe she’d talked to someone from NYSA, and she was throwing me out because she’d found out about me. I thought she stopped liking me, and I couldn’t bear for that to happen, but then I read the whole thing. I understand now, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I can’t go, I can’t go back to NY, and i don’t know what else I could do. It must be Mellie who leaves. She has other options, while I do not. She’ll be fine.

I still feel like its my fault though, something I've done, something she thinks about me. It has to be my fault, because who else's would it be? I know in the end I'll be the one to go, to leave, because who in their right mind would choose me over beautiful Melanthe? Nobody. I know she'll make me go, I know she hates me now, for whatever reason. She's leaving me, abandoning me under the false pretenses of moving. She's betraying me, betraying us, and it makes me sad. But she can't make me go. She can't.

But I see why Samantha is upset about leaving. It is a beautiful house, and while I can’t say that I’m very attached to it – (I try not to get attached to anything, anymore) – I can see how somebody who’d lived there for four years might be. Butt she’s moved before, she’ll get over it. Like she said in her last post – She likes change. Oh, and Samantha? I do NOT sulk.