Samantha - Rebecca being weird part 2

Okay, so on with what happened yesterday. Usually; Lilyana, Melanthe and I  walk home together (unless we have better things to do), but yesterday I decided that I had to talk to Rebecca, which meant staying late. I knew that for whatever reason Rebecca might skip school, she'd never, ever miss ballet. She throws her soul into her dancing, so I knew that no matter what; she'd be there. So I did my homework in the library until six, which was when her class got out. I grabbed my backpack ad ran into the courtyard; hoping beyond ope that I hadn't missed her. But no, there she was,

Walking down the schools long driveway, her purple hat stark against the gloomy late afternoon. I could see the silver gleam of her ballet bag over her shoulder. 

" Hey! Rebecca!" I called, cupping my hand around my mouth. She didn't turn around. "Rebecca!" I shouted again, and I winced at how loud and annoying it sounded in the crisp fall air. Still she didn't turn around, or speed up, or give any indication that she'd heard me - which of course she must have. I sighed in exasperation, and began to run after her, short puffs of air exploding into the chilly afternoon, my footsteps pounding on the asphalt. 

Finally I caught up to her. I stepped in front of her, panting, blocking her path. 

" What the hell, Rebecca?" I said, grabbing her arm as she tried to get around me. She flinched, yanking her arm out of my grasp. 

 " What?" She said, her tone bored, as though she hadn't skipped school for no reason whatsoever.
" What do you mean, what? You know perfectly well what!" I said angrily, mentally groaning at how   parent-ish I sounded.

" I was sick, Samantha." She said, in a well-duh kind of voice, rolling her eyes. But she refused to meet my eyes, her large hazel orbs sliding down my face to focus on the ground. 

" Come on, Rebecca. Where were you today? The teachers were freaking out, like, totally."She shrugged.

"Yeah? So what. I'll just tell them I was sick, okay?"

" But you weren't. This isn't like you."

" Samantha  - " she started, then stopped. "Nevermind."

" You weren't sick. You were at dance, right? I challenged, knowing how weak an argument that was. That girl would probably go to her dance class if our house was on fire. Mercifully, she let that pas without comment, saying only:

" It doesn't matter, Samantha. Really." She turned as if to go.

" Come on, Rebecca." I said, exasperated. "What the hell is going on? 

" Do you ever feel restless, Samantha?"

"What?" I said, surprised. " Er....yeah, I guess."

" Like you can't stand to be here anymore, like an ache so deep inside of you that you can't go anything about it. And sometimes you can't control yourself anymore, and it's like you're falling, but you don't know where, or why. You don't know who you are anymore." Her voice was low, but her words sounded foreign to me.

" What are you talking about, Rebecca?" Maybe she was sick. Like, delirious, or something. "Do you feel ok?"

" Like you're being chased," she went on "but you don't know what's chasing you, and nobody else can see it but you, and even you can't sometimes. And its like you can't go on another moment, you have to run, or escape, but you know you can't.  You know you can't get rid of whatever it is that feels so wrong. And you know that you shouldn't feel this way; that it's wrong - that you're wrong, somehow. But you do."

" Are we still talking about why you weren't at school?" I asked, confused. "Because are so going to be in so much trouble if you don't have a legitimate excuse. " She sighed. 

" Listen, never mind, okay?"

"Huh?"

" I was sick, alright?"

"Rebecca, what..?"

" Today. i stayed home sick. Just....leave it at that."

" Rebecca, I don't-?"

" Drop it, okay, Samantha. I shouldn't have said anything, I just....." She stopped, and shrugged, scuffed her shoes on the rough pavement. " I thought maybe... it doesn't matter." 

"  Rebecca, wait!" I called, still confused. What was she talking about. But she was gone, her bright hat disappearing around the corner; and i knew he wouldn't be home for dinner. 

Samantha

Samantha - Rebecca being weird again part 1

Rebecca isn't at school today. And I don't mean she's sick, or something. She got up with the rest of us; skipped breakfast like she always does ( "Dancers are thin, Sammy.") and went out the door a half hour before we do, like usual. She likes to go in early to practice in the studio before classes start. Anyway, we have A block together; and she wasn't there. I wasn't worried or anything; because maybe she was talking with the principle about something; or got held up in the studio, or was asked to show some new kid around. (We all have to do that at some point.) But then after C block, Melanthe caught up to me in the hallway.

" Samantha!" She called. I turned around, and saw her running towards me; her long red hair twisted into a bun, her ams full of books.

"What?" I replied, shifting though my binder to make sure I had my D block (math) homework.

" Samantha, have you seen Rebecca?" She pulled on my arm, and I looked up. Her huge green eyes looked alarmed.

" What? No - she wasn't in A block."

" She wasn't in science either." Melanthe said, frowning. "Do you think she went home sick?"

" Maybe.... she seemed OK this morning, though."

" There's a cold going around. Maybe she has that."

" Yeah, maybe. That must be it......" I said, grinning. Melanthe didn't look to convinced, but she shrugged and headed off to her D block French class. (Which Rebecca should have been in to.)

But it was during Melanthe's D block French class that we realized that something was wrong. Of course, I didn't, because I wasn't there, but Melanthe told me over lunch.

" Samantha, you will never guess what happened during French!" Melanthe said, sliding into the seat next to me, and plopping down her lunch bag.

" What?" Andrea asked; swallowing a bite of turkey sandwich. " Are you sitting with us today?"
 Here I guess I should explain that the four of us don't usually sit together at lunch, with the occasional exception of me and Melanthe. I sit with my best friend Andrea, my friends Casey, Sophia and Dezzy, and another girl named Lucy, who is more Andrea's friend then mine, and plays basketball. Lilyana sits with Ani and another girl; a shy, pretty redhead named Delia. Melanthe divides her time between us, and a loud, popular table of girls that I don't really know very well. Rebecca goes to the library; I think, or the studio.

" Yeah. Yum, can I steal a chip, Drea?" Melanthe reached over the table and grabbed a Cape Cod Potato chip from Andrea, whom she insists on calling 'Drea.'

" Hey!" Andrea protested; swatting her hand away. " Eat you own food, you little theif!" She said, pulling her chip bag out of reach. Melanthe laughed, and took a bite of her apple, which she had taken out of her brightly striped lunch bag along with a piece of cold pizza and a bag of halloween oreos; which my mom had gotten as a special treat the other day.

" ANYWAY," I interrupted, "What happened, Mel?"

" The office called about Rebecca."

" Wait.....what?" My stomach dropped. " She's not, like...."

" What? Dead? Do you think we'd be sitting here if she was?"

" No." mumbled Andrea through a mouthful of goldfish.

" So what did they call about?"

" Oh, you know." Melanthe waved her hand in the air. " Hello Miss Reinstein; this is Dorry from the main office called to see if Rebecca Rubin is in class. That type of call."

" And she's not?" Sophia butted in. " You mean she skipped? Why?"

" No clue." I said dully, pushing at my sandwich.

" Wow, Rebecca?" Said Casey, shoving her dark blond hair out of her face. " She's in my Language Arts class. Never thought she'd skip."

" Neither did we, really." Melanthe said, grinning at Casey as though they shared a special, private joke. " Little Miss Perfect most of the time."

" Boy, will your mom be pissed." Andrea said, pushing a chip at me over the table. " Remember when you skipped that test, Mel? Her mom went nuts!"

" Wait; why would Samantha's mom go nuts if Melanthe skipped school?" Casey interjected.

" Mellie and Rebecca board with Samantha. You know; through that program the school offers." Andrea explained.

" Oh yeah. Jeez, Rebecca's in for it then. Daphne - you know Daphne Halti?" We shook our heads. Mostly, Lucy moved in different circles then we did. She was part of the (small) sports program; while we were all majoring in the arts; which was what the school was for; being a preforming arts school, and all. But there was a sports program, and there were students who moved exclusively in that area, like Lucy. Then there were students like Andrea; who did both sides. Andrea was here mostly for soccer, basketball and hockey, but she also did theatre; which was how we met.

" Daphne Halti? The tall blonde on upper school basketball team?" asked Andrea; referring to the team for 10th, 11th, and 12th graders.

" Yeah. She boards with Lindsey Masenari, right? And she skipped to go into the city with her boyfriend, and they got caught."

" And?"

" She almost had to go back home."

" You mean get kicked out of the program?"

"Yeah. They come down real hard on kids in the Boarding program. But she'd done it before."

" Rebecca hasn't."

" I know." Casey said.


Ok, I am officially freaked. Where the heck is Rebecca? She wasn't there when we got home today; and it's almost three now. What is going on? Is this like what happened this summer, when she never came home that day? What is up? I mean; she hasn't seemed that off in the last couple days. No more the usual. She's been in one of her mopey, sullen moods where she won't talk to anybody. She gets like that a lot, but we've stopped paying attention. It's just who she is. But now I'm a bit worried. Where is she?

Freaked out,

Samantha

Lilyana - Missing my dad and thinking about Caroline.

I really miss my father. More then I did before, I think. I feel so guilty that I love my father more then my mother; but it's true. I really do. My father is the most wonderful person ever, and while I love my mother, and I love living with Samantha and the girls, I would give anything to be back in Montana. I wish I could just run away to be with my dad; that's what girls do in books, and it usually works out. But I'm not in a book, and I could never do that to my mom. But there is a part of me that just wants to jump on a greyhound bus and wake up in the fields with the horses.

Then there's Grace. I honestly do not care about her. Samantha thinks I';m nuts; so does Melanthe; they say that they'd go crazy if their parents divorced, then re-married. But I don't think I'd care. As long as she was nice, didn't try to be my mother, or try to steal my father away from me. But something tells me Grace isn't like that. And that is so not the type of woman my father would even like in the first place. He talks about her a lot in his emails; I can tell he doesn't want to, but it just creeps in. I think he thinks that I'd be upset, but I don't mind. I want him to be happy. Maybe if he got married I'd get to stay with him and his new wife for a while - get to know her, and all. Maybe. Maybe it would be one of those cases where they have a baby,  and my father wants me to be one of the 'family' and I go to live with them! I'm being dumb, I know that. But still. I just want to see him.

I was thinking of Caroline the other day. I'm not sure why. I don't think of her very often. Her birthday is coming up; September twenty eight. She wold have been seventeen, had she lived. Sometimes, I wonder if we would have been close, really close, like sisters should be. I think we might have been. Melanie and I aren't enemies, exactly, not the type of sisters that scream at each other all the time. But we're not yo close either. She's away at boarding school for most of the year; so we don't get the chance to hang out, or talk. We email, of course, but it's not the same. I like to think that we would have been close; even though she's about three years older then I am. (I turn 14 in March.) I could have talked to her, and told her anything. If she had lived. I wish I had an older sister to talk to. I feel as though she'd understand anything.

Lilyana

Melanthe - complaints, basicly.

I am so glad that it is the weekend! I mean, school is fine for talking to friends and stuff, but all the work is really annoying me. It's not that it's hard, exactly, but it is just so boring. I don't know how Rebecca and Lilyana manage to get such good grades. Don't they realize what a waste of time school is? Clearly not, because Rebecca has begun using studying at the library as her secondary excuse to get away from us. (Dance being her first, and must often used one.) And I hate that Maddi doesn't go to Sutton. I do have tons of friends, but I miss being with Mads. I miss talking in class to her a lot. She is so funny; and can always make me laugh in the most boring of classes. But I guess I am making a lot of new friends, which rocks. So enough bitching from me.

On to another subject, I am so sick and tired of people using 'gay' as an insult! How is it even remotely? I hate it when the people at my school use go, like, OMG, you're so gay!" It really, really, pisses me off! It's like saying "You are so blonde!" It's the same thing, people. There is nothing, NOTHING wrong with being gay! Or bisexual, like me. Which is something that nobody at Sutton can EVER know, because while a lot of them are super accepting and wonderful, there are some who aren't. And it's just not worth it. It's none of their business anyway. Samantha, however, seems to think that I should be waking up to everybody I meet and saying "I'm bi!" Good grief. She seems to think that it's a statement, instead of who I am. It really annoys me.

Sorry about a blog post that has basicly been me complaining. I promise more intersting things next time.

Melanthe

Lilyana - First Day of School

Hi guys. As you know, yesterday was the first day of eighth grade for us. It was, as first days go, pretty uneventful. Samantha and I are in the same homeroom, which is awesome. Samantha's friend Andrea is also in our homeroom, which is great for Samantha, I guess. I'm disappointed that Ani isn't in my homeroom, and is only in one of my classes. I wish i could see her more. Ani and I are both very shy; so it's harder for us to make friends, and talk in class. It's easier when we have each other. But the really annoying thing (For me, anyway) is that Andrea is in almost ALL Samantha's classes. That is so unfair.  But I guess I shouldn't complain; Melanthe has it worse then I do - Maddi doesn't even go to our school! She goes to the public school; and we all go to a private school. But Melanthe doesn't really care very much. She's such a social person; that she will already have twenty new friends by the end of the week; whereas I'll be lucky to make one new friend by the end of the month. I know everybody is different; but why do I have to be so shy, and people like Samantha and Melanthe are so outgoing? What decides all that, anyway? Genes? My dad is a very outgoing man, and my mom is too. So where do I get it from?

Speaking of my dad; I got a letter from him today. He told me all about the horses, and how they're doing. One of his mares; Auburn Mist, is going to have a foal in the spring! I am so excited. But it's still weird that I'm not going to be there. I just can't process the fact that all that - all my old life - is over there, while I'm still here. None of the other girls have this problem. Melanthe never really talks about missing her family (She does tell us a lot about them, and her sister Kira), and she's not even been here a year! And Rebecca just never talks about her family in general, but I don't get the feeling she misses them very much. I know that it's different - Rebecca and Mellie chose to come here so they could study at Sutton, and I was forced to move here - but I still don't understand. Is it weird to miss my father so much? Is it wrong? I just don't understand why I can't stop missing him so much. I think I'm crazy, or something, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if he got sick, or fell off his horse, and I wasn't there. If I never got to say goodbye to him. I don’t think I could live with myself then. And then there’s his girlfriend – Grace. Who he's seeing a lot, he says. Do you think he'll tell me if they get engaged? He wouldn't keep it from me, would he? Would he? Because I get the feeling he's hiding something from me. Like there's something he's not telling me. I don't know why; but I'm scared.

Lilyana

Lilyana - Cold Feet?

Hi everybody. As you all know, the Little Miss Summertime pageant is coming up on Wednesday. Melanthe and Samantha are thrilled; right now they are practicing hairstyles on each other. So, whats the problem, then? The truth is, I'm not really sure I want to do the pageant. Not because I don't think I'll win, or anything like that. I just don't want to. I'm not really a pageant girl, not like Samantha. I've never been like her at all. That hasn't mattered, but now I think that maybe it does.

When I first moved here from Montana, it was like entering a different world. I've always been very quiet, very shy, and a more casual, outdoorsy person. But when I moved in with Samantha, I found that she was exactly the opposite. Even at age ten, she had this whole huge life going on, she was taking voice and dance, and getting leads in plays. She was bouncy, and loud, and talented, everything I'm not. She tried to include me in her stuff, but it was all so alien to me. I'd never had anything to do with theatre, or dance, or any of that. I didn't understand it at all. All I wanted was to be back in Montana riding my horses. Samantha encouraged me to start doing shows with her, and I did, for a while. It was kinda fun, I guess. I do like to sing, just when I'm by myself, and not as much as I love other things, like horses and reading. And it's not like I hate theatre, or anything, but it's just not my thing. I'm not a get-up-onstage person at all, but it seems that the rest of them are. And I don't know how to fit into that. They all have their voice classes, and their acting classes, and Samantha is always acting in something, but I'm just that type of person. And even if I liked that type of things, I'm sure I wouldn't be very good at it at all. I mean, just look at who I've got to compete with. They all have scholarships to Sutton for music and art, or whatever. Well, Rebecca has a full scholarship for dance, and Samantha and Melanthe have partial scholarships. Samantha for Musical Theatre, and Melanthe for flute. They are all so, so, talented. Rebecca is one of the best dancers in the school - if not the best - and she plays the guitar. Melanthe is super good on the flute, she's a great artist and designer, and she doesn't even care. She just does whatever.  And Samantha gets the leads in all the plays we do, and she's one of the best actors in the Upper School. Compared to them, what am I? Just a handicapped girl who rides horses and loves to read. And I know that not everybody can be talented and smart, but it still hurts to be the only one in the house who isn't so fantastic. I mean, even my little sister, Melanie, goes to boarding school in New York, and takes classes at the Juilliard School. She's a pianist. The only reason I got into Sutton at all is its good academic program, thats all. I don't do any of the art stuff, I don't do the plays and the pageants, and the concerts. Sometimes, I feel that I'm the only one there who isn't aiming at the stage, or screen, or a professional music career.

Samantha and everybody just expect me to go along with all their stage stuff, but I don't want to. I don't want to parade onstage in a strapless dress and sing, then answer questions from a bunch of fakey looking judges. I get so nervous, and I can't answer them. I don't even know what I'd do for the talent division; I can't ride a horse onstage. If they want to go and do that, fine. But I'm not. That's not who I am.

Lilyana

Samantha - She's not back!!!! Help!!!!!!!

Am I going nuts? Did anybody else see her last post that said she'd be home Friday night? Because I did. And thats what it said! She said so! And she emailed me saying that she'd be home either Friday night, or Saturday morning! And guess what - its past Friday night, and it's so, so, so not Saturday morning anymore. And she's not back from camp yet. I can't believe it! Where is she? Its four in the afternoon, and she's not here! I have no idea what to do! My mom cheeked the bus schedules, and her bus had arrived here on time! So where is she? Where the hell is Rebecca? I'm freaking out over here. I have no clue what's going on. We called her cell, but nobody answers. We've texted her a bazillion times, and she hasn't answered. I'm so, so worried, and I have nobody to freak out with! Lilyana's coming home from Montana on Monday, and Melanthe should be back tomorrow. So I called Andrea, and she came over. Andrea doesn't know Rebecca to well, but  - who am I kidding? I don't either. Maybe if I knew her better, I'd be able to figure out where she'd gone. Because now, I have no clue. We called the camp, the dance studio - it would be so like her to go straight there and not tell anybody - and mom even called her parents in New York. Her dad answered. mom put him on speakerphone, so we could all hear. She asked him if he knew where she was.
"What, you lost her, or somthin?" He said. He laughed, a hiccup-y, strange, laugh. My mom explained the situation.  "Ah, giver her a'couple days. She'll come back." He said, and he didn't sound concerned at all. My mom asked him what he meant, and he didn't answer. Then she went on for five minuets about did he know where she was, was there anyplace she might go, did she ever do this before, did he think we needed to worry (no), should we cal the police, ect. When she finally came up for breath, we found he'd hung up. Well. No help there, I suppose. He didn't sound worried. Did that mean that we shouldn't worry, or that he's a moron? He sounded like a moron. What if he kidnapped her? I read that in most kidnapping cases, it was a parent or close relative! He didn't sound like somebody I'd trust. Actually, he sounded kinda drunk. Or something. Rebecca said once that she didn't get along with her dad. I can see why! But, again, I shouldn't judge. Maybe we caught him on a bad day. Thats what Lily would say. I'm not quite sure I agree with that, but, who knows? He sounded like this had happened before. Had she run away before? Is that even what this is? She could be kidnapped, or late, or dead. Oh God. I never thought about that. What if she's dead! Hit by a car, or shot by some madman, or dragged into a dark alley and raped. What if! That would be horrible. I couldn't stand that! Or what if she jumped off a bridge or something! Before, I would say no way, but now........What if? Lots of times, I've thought that maybe something......but I just put it down to Rebecca being Rebecca. But what if its not? Oh god, why am I thinking this way? Its ridiculous, its stupid, its dumb, but what if its true? What if? I could never forgive myself. Oh god, what if-

No. Stop. She's not dead. She's just late. Late. Nothing more. Breathe, Samantha. She's either late, or she's just Rebecca being Rebecca. Nothing weird about that, right? Rebecca can be strange. She can be unexpected. She can be annoying, and mean, and intolerable. She often does strange things. This is one of them. We are over-reacting. We are freaking out far to much. We are using the royal we for no apparent reason. I must be calm. She'll be home tonight. Mom says she might have meant Saturday night when she typed Friday night. Its possible. If she's not back, we'll call the police. Maybe she got lost. Or fell and hit her head. This is under control. She is not dead, or kidnapped, or jumped off a bridge. Everything is fine. Rebecca is fine. There is nothing to worry about.

Then why am I worrying??? I should call Lilyana. I hope everything turns out ok.

Samantha

Lilyana - Talking to my father......

Last night, I finally did it. I finally approached my father about the woman. I know I have a right to know, because he is my father, after all, but I was still nervous. I felt like it was none of my business; whom he dated, what he did. But I had to know, I just had to.

It was around five or six, and we were in the barn, feeding the horses. I had chosen this time because my father was the most relaxed when he was around horses. A lot like me. I was just finishing feeding Dunecast; my fathers favored palomino, when my father came around the corner. He smiled at me, long and easy, and I knew it was time. With shaking hands I fiddled with my tiny side-braid; the one I haven't taken out since rachel tearfully put it in two years ago, before out car pulled out of the driveway for the last time. I always twist it when I'm nervous. I knew I had to do it, but that didn't make it any easier.
"Dad?" I stammered, my voice a croak. He looks up.
"Hmm?" He says, and I know he's not quite paying attention. There's still time to back out...But I don't.
"Dad? We need to talk."
"Talk?" He says, his attention totally on me now. " About what, bunny? What is it?" He looks concerned, and I gulp.
"About...about...about.." I stammer.
"Lily, what is it?" He says, and he looks slightly alarmed. Is everything OK?"
"I...I just want to talk about..about..you."
"Me?"
"You know. Rachel....She said she's seen you with a woman. A lot." I say, finally. He looks surprised, as though this was the last thing he expected to hear.
"You mean Grace?"" He says slowly.
"Grace? who's Grace."
" She's.......A friend, I guess."
" A.......Friend?"
" In a manner of speaking."
"Are you dating her?"
Well.....Kind of."
"Kind of? How can you 'kind of' date somebody."
"We used to date. A long time ago." He says. A long time ago? Well, that could mean anything.
"How long?" he doesn't answer. "How Long." I repeated, a sinking feeling in my stomach. I had a bad feeling about this.
"We met in high school." He says, not answering my question completely. " I was going to marry her." Marry her? What?
"Why didn't you?"
"Your mom got pregnant."
"What!! With me, you mean?"
"No! No, of course not. Thats not what I meant. With Caroline." Oh. Caroline. Caroline died when she was two, years before I was born. She had had horrible brain damage, and nobody expected her to live long. I hadn't known she was the reason my parents married. I've never mentioned her before, I guess. I never found reason to, its not something I try to hide. Its not even something my parents hid from me. I've known about Caroline ever since I was little. I just don't think about her much. I never even knew her, and plenty of babies die young. And I know that after that, once my parents were trying to get pregnant, my mother had a couple miscarriages. Then they had me, and then Melanie. Caroline was common knowledge in our house. I remember that when I was six or seven, I would pretend she was still my older sister, and talk to her in my head. It was kind of like having a diary, but without the writing part. I told her everything I did, and what I thought. I made up stories about her, to. I guess every little girl wants an older sister. When I got older, I started a diary, and the caroline-in-my-head went back to the underworld. I still address my diary as Caroline, though.
"Oh. Caroline. So thats why you married mom?"
"Yeah."
"And you loved Grace?"
"I did, although I didn't realize it then. I thought I loved your mother. Don't think badly of me, Lily, but pregnancy or not, I would never have married your mother if i hadn't thought I loved her."
"I don't think badly of you, dad." And I didn't. It made sense to me. "So...when did you realize you loved her after all?"
"A year and a half after Caroline died."
"Oh. And you.......told her that?"
"I did. We had a long talk, and agreed to stay friends."
"Friends?"
"Lilyana, there are some things that children should not know about. Yes, we were friend. I loved her. She herself never married.
"You cheated on mom?"
"Lily."
"You did!"
"Your mom and I were not meant to be together."
"Thats no excuse."
"I never said it was. But I loved Grace. I always have."
"Did you do the same thing with other women, or was she the only one?"
" We were meant for each other. There was nobody else. Lily. Just her."
"You're dating her now?"
"We've...spend some time talking."
"Oh. Will you marry her?"
"If I do, you'll be the first to know. Now, lets go have dinner." He stood, and kissed the top of my head.
"Dad?"
"Hmm?"
"Was she - Grace - the reason you divorced mom?"
"Not really. Your mother and I had problems. Grace didn't cause them. We did."
"Ok."
"I'll always love you though. You know that, right?"
"Of course, dad."
"Good. Lets go make dinner."


I'm glad I know the truth. That he did cheat on mom. I still can't believe that. I had no idea. How had I not known? How had I missed that?  That he really loved somebody else. But..I don't know....call me stupid, but i think it sounds kind of romantic. Kind of. It would be like a story, if it wasn't my dad. But it is, and I don't know quite what to think. I wonder if he will marry her. I can't imagine that, but he might. That's hard to imagine. I didn't ask him anything about...Grace. I wonder what she's like? Is she nice? Does she like horses like he does? Is she smart? Does she like kids? Would she like me? Does she sing like my mom, or is she outdoors-y? All I know about her is that she's pretty-but-not-high-maintenance, she loves my dad, she drives a battered blue truck, and is unmarried. Thats not a lot. Come to think of it, I didn't find out very much from that conversation. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I think he's hiding something. But what? I'm so confused.

Lilyana

Lilyana - Scared to talk to my dad...

I've been waiting for the right moment to get my dad alone and ask him about the woman, but I haven't yet. I mean, its not that I haven't gotten a chance to....Its just...I don't know.....I guess I'm scared to ask him. Not to ask him, exactly. Scared of what he'll say. I don't know what I want him to say, really. I'm so confused, because i don't even know what I want to happen. Rachel said that she'd seen her before. Seen the woman with the auburn hair. Rachel told me that shes really tall, and dark-eyed. Not like my short mother at all, with her light brown hair and narrow green eyes. This women sounds exactly the opposite of mom. Is that what he wanted?

But if he was in love with this woman, why didn't he marry her once he'd divorced mom? I have no idea what to think. It's not that i don't want him to have a girlfriend....clearly, he's allowed to date, he's allowed to re-marry if he wants to. But I don't like to think of him cheating on mom. Going behind her back. Sneaking around. I can't think of my father like that, like some crappy husband you read about in those super complicated love triangle novels, like A Crowded Marriage, or something. But what if this woman was his one true love? And he'd rather be with her then with mom because they were meant for each other? I'd rather him be happy then stuck with someone he didn't love. But in this case, that 'someone' is my mom. That changes things. At least, it should. And its not that I don't love my mom, its just that I love her less. No, thats not right. I love her in a different way. And I don't not want her to be happy, or anything, but if my dad really loves this other woman, he should marry her. Wait, wait. I'm getting way to ahead of myself. I don't even know if he's dating her now, let alone for years behind my mothers back. She could just be a friend, right? Men are allowed to have female friends, even unmarried ones. Or divorced ones, like my dad. Mom has tons of male friends, that doesn't mean she's dating any of them. I've got to talk to him soon, I'm only here until the sixth. Then I go back home. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But somehow i don't think so.

Lilyana