Lilyana - First Day of School

Hi guys. As you know, yesterday was the first day of eighth grade for us. It was, as first days go, pretty uneventful. Samantha and I are in the same homeroom, which is awesome. Samantha's friend Andrea is also in our homeroom, which is great for Samantha, I guess. I'm disappointed that Ani isn't in my homeroom, and is only in one of my classes. I wish i could see her more. Ani and I are both very shy; so it's harder for us to make friends, and talk in class. It's easier when we have each other. But the really annoying thing (For me, anyway) is that Andrea is in almost ALL Samantha's classes. That is so unfair.  But I guess I shouldn't complain; Melanthe has it worse then I do - Maddi doesn't even go to our school! She goes to the public school; and we all go to a private school. But Melanthe doesn't really care very much. She's such a social person; that she will already have twenty new friends by the end of the week; whereas I'll be lucky to make one new friend by the end of the month. I know everybody is different; but why do I have to be so shy, and people like Samantha and Melanthe are so outgoing? What decides all that, anyway? Genes? My dad is a very outgoing man, and my mom is too. So where do I get it from?

Speaking of my dad; I got a letter from him today. He told me all about the horses, and how they're doing. One of his mares; Auburn Mist, is going to have a foal in the spring! I am so excited. But it's still weird that I'm not going to be there. I just can't process the fact that all that - all my old life - is over there, while I'm still here. None of the other girls have this problem. Melanthe never really talks about missing her family (She does tell us a lot about them, and her sister Kira), and she's not even been here a year! And Rebecca just never talks about her family in general, but I don't get the feeling she misses them very much. I know that it's different - Rebecca and Mellie chose to come here so they could study at Sutton, and I was forced to move here - but I still don't understand. Is it weird to miss my father so much? Is it wrong? I just don't understand why I can't stop missing him so much. I think I'm crazy, or something, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if he got sick, or fell off his horse, and I wasn't there. If I never got to say goodbye to him. I don’t think I could live with myself then. And then there’s his girlfriend – Grace. Who he's seeing a lot, he says. Do you think he'll tell me if they get engaged? He wouldn't keep it from me, would he? Would he? Because I get the feeling he's hiding something from me. Like there's something he's not telling me. I don't know why; but I'm scared.

Lilyana

Lilyana - Last day in Montana

Its my last day in Montana. My last full day, I mean. I'm leaving tomorrow. I can't believe I'm leaving, it feels so unreal. I've always known it was just a visit, but call me stupid, I've never really felt like I would ever leave. I felt like my two years in Boston was just a bad dream, and now I've woken up,  I could stay in Montana forever. I could stay here, happy, with my father forever, never have to go back. Well, of course not. I have to go back, and I have to go tomorrow. But I don't want to. I want to stay here forever, the warm sun unobstructed by tall buildings, the grass high and soft against my legs when I go riding. It could be almost like before, with the bus picking me up at the end of the road, sitting next to Rachel, her chatter comforting me as we rumbled along to school. Helping my father in the barn, feeding the horses, eating the dinner my grandmother cooked, seeing the stars out my bedroom window every night. Montana is where I've always been the happiest. Nothing in Boston could compare to that, nothing ever could come close. There's no place on earth where I've ever felt as happy, as free, and as content. Sometimes, I resent my mom, for taking me away. I feel like it was her fault that I don't get to see my father very often. At the beginning, I didn't talk to her for a week, because I was so mad. I still am, in a way. I know she had to move, of course, and Boston was a convenient place to go, because of Aunt Jessy, and the good hospitals and stuff. I understand, but I still haven't quite forgiven her. sometimes, I think I have, but whenever i see my father, I forget. I love him so much, and I can't believe I have to leave him tomorrow. I love Boston and my girls, but I love Montana more. Is that wrong? Should I still want to go back as much as I do? Am I being disloyal to my mom? I know she's done everything and more for us, but in my mind, nothing can make up for taking me away from my father. Even what happened with Grace, I still love my father. I'm not to mad at him for going behind my moms back. Things happen, you know? I couldn't hold it against him. I'm not sure I trust him as much as I did before, but I still adore him. He's my father. And if he wants to date - or marry - this Grace, I'm not going to stop him. He's not married, he's allowed to date. If he wants to marry her, I'm sure i won't mind to much. As long as she's nice, I'd be happy for him. He's my father, for better or for worse.

Today, my father and I went on a ride together, and had a picnic lunch. We also had Rachel over for dinner. I don't want to leave Rachel either. Its hard to stay best friends when you're so far apart, and you don't share so many of the same memories. Maybe she can come visit in Boston soon. That would be fun, I think. But I still don't want to leave her. I'm going to hold on to these last moments the best I can, before i have to leave.

Lilyana

Lilyana - 'Fun' in Montana

I cannot believe how much fun I'm having in Montana! Its like I'm living here agin. I've been having so much fun with my father, I've missed him so much. When I'm out here, i know i'd give anything to stay here forever.

Yesterday, Rachel and I went on a day-long riding trip through Beckers Woods. We rode for a while, sunlight dappling Andrina and Moondust Racers sides. Andrina is Rachel's horse. She's a light brown bay with the sweetest disposition. She's really fast, and she and Rachel have won tons of competitions. Moondust Racer is the horse I ride at my fathers. My own horse, Cooper Cream, boards at a stable near where i live ion Boston, so I can ride him a lot. Moondust Racer is a light gray with a darker mane. When I ride her out on foggy mornings, I pretend I'm riding a phantom horse, born of the mist. When I told Rebecca that, she wrote me this amazingly eerie short poem. I never knew Rebecca wrote poetry. I would post it, but I bet Rebecca would kill me. But thats not the foremost of whats on my mind right now.

Yesterday, while riding in the woods, Rachel told me something that I'm not sure about.

"Hey Lilyana." Rachel turned to me, ducking beneath a branch. 

"Yeah?"

"I want to tell you something."

"Sure."

"Its really, really, serious."

"Go on."

"Lilyana, its...its hard to say."

"What s it?" I answered, not really paying that much attention. 

"Its about your father."

"My father?"NOW I was paying attention. What did she have to say about my father that was important? "What about him?" Oh god, what if he had cancer or something, and he told Rachel to tell me because he couldn't do it himself, and he's going to die and i'll be fatherless and they'll sell the ranch and I'll be stuck with mom forever! "Tell me Rachel, oh god, is he dying? Tell me truthfully!"

"Dying? No, Lil, of course not! Thats not what I meant at all!I'm sorry I scared you."

"Thank god!"

"If was dying, he'd tell you himself."

"You think?"

"Definitely." 

"Well, what is it, though?" I asked, part relieved, part annoyed, part scared. Moondust nickered, ad i absently stroked his ears.

"Well....I saw him with a woman yesterday."

"A woman?"

"Yeah, this pretty auburn haired woman."

"You mean...like, dating? A date?"

"I guess so."

"Well, there's nothing wrong if he wants to date again. I mean he's allowed to. He's not married anymore" I almost cried with relief. That was all? Dating? I didn't care if my father dated, not really. I mean, if he got super involved with her and forgot about me, or maybe if she was mean, or he wanted to marry her, I might get upset, with good reason. But just dating? No problem. Even if he wanted to marry agin, I wouldn't mid that much, as long as she was nice and liked horses. Its not like I had any illusions about him and mom getting back together, because I knew that was never happening. "Thts fine rachel. I'm glad you told me, but I don't mind."

"Thats not all." She said. What now? Where they engaged, or something? Was she pregnant?

"What, he's not marring her, tight?"

"Not that I know of."

"Then what?"

"I've....seen her before."

"You know her? Who is she? Is she nice? Do I know her?"

"No to all. Well  except the nice one, because I have no clue. She doesn't look mean. No, I've seen her around a lot."

"They're probably sleeping together."

"Not what I meant Lil, although yes, probably. No, I meant I'd seen her before. Like, while you where still here."

"You mean....while he was still married to mom?"

"Uh-huh." She nodded. Whoa. If she meant what I though she meant, then....

"You never said anything!"

"I didn't put it all together till a week ago. I'd seen her around for ages, I just never connected her to your Dads girlfriend before." My Dads Girlfriend. I never thought i'd ever think those words, let alone hear them. And if Rachel was right, they'd been there for longer then I would expect. Longer then I ever knew.

"You think she was cheating on my mom?"

"I don't know. Who knows? Maybe. Ask him, Lil. You have a right to know."

I do. But did I want to? Did I want to know my dad was cheating on my mom? Well, at least it seemed serious. I'd rather my dad cheated on one girl he seemed to really like then a lot of girls he didn't care about, like some peoples fathers did. But had he? Had there been other girls? I didn't think so. But then, I hadn't noticed this woman either. How much was I missing? I'm going to ask him, maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day. Whenever seemed right.

Lil 

Lilyana - I can see the sky!

Its been so great here in Montana. I can't believe how much I've missed it. The sky. You can see the sky here, all the thousands of stars. I have gotten used to the city, but I'll always be a country girl at heart. I'd almost forgotten how beautiful it is, mountains bursting out of the earth to join the clouds in the caverns of the sky. Last year, in language arts class, I wrote a descriptive paragraph about the mountains near the ranch. I'll post it on here if i can find it. I feel it was the only thing that could possibly describe how awesome the views are.

I've also had a lot of fun with my best friend Rachel. It feels so great to be with Rachel again. We just fall back to each other so easily, its like I never left. Rachel is really funny and outgoing, totally the opposite of me. She's bouncy and very un-shy, but she's also very nice and caring and understanding. I've been telling her about the move. She says that I'm lucky to have moved so much, she's lived in her house her whole life! Well, I guess we all want the thing we don't have, huh? Rachel said wouldn't it be funny if she moved into our old house. I said yeah, right, that was so gonna happen. It would be cool, but impossible. Both Rachel's parents have big, steady jobs here. IIt would be nice though, to have her near me. But Rachel belongs out here, with the sky and horses and big open space. I could never see her in a crowded, polluted city where you can't even see the stars.

Lily

Lilyana - Here in Montana!!!

Hey guys! I can't believe this, but here I am in Montana with my father!

The plane ride was OK, it was also a little turbulent, but I didn't mind to much. We lifted off in the morning, and when we went above the clouds, the sun was so bright and pretty that it hurt my eyes just to look at it, even though I wanted to. During most of the flight, I read 'The Stone Pony,' which is probably one of my favourite books ever. I love the part where she realizes that her sister's horse's name was Orion mixed up. That made me cry the first time I read it.

My dad picked me up at the airport in his old blue truck! It was so good to see him, because the last time I'd visited was over Christmas break. I missed him so much. I've never told my mom this, but after the divorce, when they agreed that she'd have custody of me, I was very upset. I had almost fooled myself into hoping that i'd get to stay with my father on the ranch. Its not that I love dad more then mom, of course I don't. Not really. But everybody - EVERYBODY- would choose one parent over the other if it came down to it. And it did come down to it, and honestly, I'd choose my dad, not my mom. If it had been up to me, that would have been the choice I'd make. But it wasn't. I just had to go along with whatever they wanted. I love my mom a lot, but she doesn't understand me the way my father does. She doesn't really get my love for horses and riding, whereas dad was the one who first encouraged me to ride. She's always worrying about me, which I suppose is justified, but my father sees me more as a person, if that makes sense. He understands me, I'm a lot like him. If i could, I'd go back to Montana and my father for good, but I can't. At least i can visit, but its not really the same, is it?

I can't believe how little the ranch had changed in the time I'd been away. Everything was still perfect and beautiful and green. The horses were all there, and I almost cried. It felt so good to be home.

Tomorrow I'm going to see Rachel. I couldn't today, because she's still at overnight camp. But she'll be back tomorrow. I've missed Rachel so much! It will be great to see her again. I adore Ani, or course, but nobody can ever replace Rachel.

I'm not going to post very much out here. Firstly, because there's not good service, and secondly because I plan to be very busy. But I'll do a couple posts, and bring back pictures.

Lilyanna

Lilyana - About My Disability

Lilyana here. This is my first post, and i’m not sure what to write about. Mellie says to “Jump Into It”, buts that doesn’t mean much, coming from her. Sorry, that was mean. Its not her fault she had a lot to talk about, I sure wish I did. I read Mellie’s post, it was really quite interesting. So I guess I should jump into it. I was born was a huge deformation in my left arm, and a lot of problems with my back. It was nobodies fault, not my moms, not my dads. But it meant I couldn’t do a lot of things other girls my age could, because it was very hard for me to use my arm, and when I was younger, even to walk. As a result, I became very shy. Well, maybe I would have been shy anyway, I don’t know. When I was four, i had an operation on my arm, but it didn’t work out very well. When I was five, I had another on my back, which was half successful. I could walk, but not run, and not for very long. Somebody suggested riding therapy, and i guess the idea caught in my mom. My sister Melanie was just born then, and we were growing out of our house fast. My Father’s father also owned a large ranch. What better idea then to move the family out there, as it would also help my health? Well, we did, when I was six, driving the two hundred miles in our beat up minivan. I kind of missed my friends – and neighbors -  Mimi and Sara, especially because I had a very hard time making friends. And its funny for me to say this, but i was scared of horses. That changed when i met Rachel. Rachel never looked at me funny because of my disability. She never teased me, never cared i could basically just use one arm. Rachel was funny and crazy and exuberant. She was also the one who helped me get over my fear of horses. She came to every one of my special riding classes, until it became clear that even one–handed I could ride better then she could. I started regular classes, then advanced ones, and began wining trophies. When I was eleven, my parents divorced. My mom didn’t know where to go, especially as I began having trouble with my back again. Then my aunt said we could move in with her, in Boston. My mom agreed, because I could have much better medical care there then I could in Montana. My mom, sister, and I moved to live with Samantha, who helped me embrace my singing talent, something I’d been pretending I didn’t have. When I was twelve, I had another operation. This one really fixed my arm a lot. I can use it a little now, and if i’m wearing long sleeves you can never tell anything’s wrong. It also helped my back, and I can pretty much move normally now, if I’m careful.  I’m still shy, but riding has made me less so, and more open about my disability. What I want to do is teach riding to other handicapped kids, so they can have the chance i did.