Lilyana - Missing my dad and thinking about Caroline.

I really miss my father. More then I did before, I think. I feel so guilty that I love my father more then my mother; but it's true. I really do. My father is the most wonderful person ever, and while I love my mother, and I love living with Samantha and the girls, I would give anything to be back in Montana. I wish I could just run away to be with my dad; that's what girls do in books, and it usually works out. But I'm not in a book, and I could never do that to my mom. But there is a part of me that just wants to jump on a greyhound bus and wake up in the fields with the horses.

Then there's Grace. I honestly do not care about her. Samantha thinks I';m nuts; so does Melanthe; they say that they'd go crazy if their parents divorced, then re-married. But I don't think I'd care. As long as she was nice, didn't try to be my mother, or try to steal my father away from me. But something tells me Grace isn't like that. And that is so not the type of woman my father would even like in the first place. He talks about her a lot in his emails; I can tell he doesn't want to, but it just creeps in. I think he thinks that I'd be upset, but I don't mind. I want him to be happy. Maybe if he got married I'd get to stay with him and his new wife for a while - get to know her, and all. Maybe. Maybe it would be one of those cases where they have a baby,  and my father wants me to be one of the 'family' and I go to live with them! I'm being dumb, I know that. But still. I just want to see him.

I was thinking of Caroline the other day. I'm not sure why. I don't think of her very often. Her birthday is coming up; September twenty eight. She wold have been seventeen, had she lived. Sometimes, I wonder if we would have been close, really close, like sisters should be. I think we might have been. Melanie and I aren't enemies, exactly, not the type of sisters that scream at each other all the time. But we're not yo close either. She's away at boarding school for most of the year; so we don't get the chance to hang out, or talk. We email, of course, but it's not the same. I like to think that we would have been close; even though she's about three years older then I am. (I turn 14 in March.) I could have talked to her, and told her anything. If she had lived. I wish I had an older sister to talk to. I feel as though she'd understand anything.

Lilyana

Lilyana - First Day of School

Hi guys. As you know, yesterday was the first day of eighth grade for us. It was, as first days go, pretty uneventful. Samantha and I are in the same homeroom, which is awesome. Samantha's friend Andrea is also in our homeroom, which is great for Samantha, I guess. I'm disappointed that Ani isn't in my homeroom, and is only in one of my classes. I wish i could see her more. Ani and I are both very shy; so it's harder for us to make friends, and talk in class. It's easier when we have each other. But the really annoying thing (For me, anyway) is that Andrea is in almost ALL Samantha's classes. That is so unfair.  But I guess I shouldn't complain; Melanthe has it worse then I do - Maddi doesn't even go to our school! She goes to the public school; and we all go to a private school. But Melanthe doesn't really care very much. She's such a social person; that she will already have twenty new friends by the end of the week; whereas I'll be lucky to make one new friend by the end of the month. I know everybody is different; but why do I have to be so shy, and people like Samantha and Melanthe are so outgoing? What decides all that, anyway? Genes? My dad is a very outgoing man, and my mom is too. So where do I get it from?

Speaking of my dad; I got a letter from him today. He told me all about the horses, and how they're doing. One of his mares; Auburn Mist, is going to have a foal in the spring! I am so excited. But it's still weird that I'm not going to be there. I just can't process the fact that all that - all my old life - is over there, while I'm still here. None of the other girls have this problem. Melanthe never really talks about missing her family (She does tell us a lot about them, and her sister Kira), and she's not even been here a year! And Rebecca just never talks about her family in general, but I don't get the feeling she misses them very much. I know that it's different - Rebecca and Mellie chose to come here so they could study at Sutton, and I was forced to move here - but I still don't understand. Is it weird to miss my father so much? Is it wrong? I just don't understand why I can't stop missing him so much. I think I'm crazy, or something, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if he got sick, or fell off his horse, and I wasn't there. If I never got to say goodbye to him. I don’t think I could live with myself then. And then there’s his girlfriend – Grace. Who he's seeing a lot, he says. Do you think he'll tell me if they get engaged? He wouldn't keep it from me, would he? Would he? Because I get the feeling he's hiding something from me. Like there's something he's not telling me. I don't know why; but I'm scared.

Lilyana

Lilyana - Last day in Montana

Its my last day in Montana. My last full day, I mean. I'm leaving tomorrow. I can't believe I'm leaving, it feels so unreal. I've always known it was just a visit, but call me stupid, I've never really felt like I would ever leave. I felt like my two years in Boston was just a bad dream, and now I've woken up,  I could stay in Montana forever. I could stay here, happy, with my father forever, never have to go back. Well, of course not. I have to go back, and I have to go tomorrow. But I don't want to. I want to stay here forever, the warm sun unobstructed by tall buildings, the grass high and soft against my legs when I go riding. It could be almost like before, with the bus picking me up at the end of the road, sitting next to Rachel, her chatter comforting me as we rumbled along to school. Helping my father in the barn, feeding the horses, eating the dinner my grandmother cooked, seeing the stars out my bedroom window every night. Montana is where I've always been the happiest. Nothing in Boston could compare to that, nothing ever could come close. There's no place on earth where I've ever felt as happy, as free, and as content. Sometimes, I resent my mom, for taking me away. I feel like it was her fault that I don't get to see my father very often. At the beginning, I didn't talk to her for a week, because I was so mad. I still am, in a way. I know she had to move, of course, and Boston was a convenient place to go, because of Aunt Jessy, and the good hospitals and stuff. I understand, but I still haven't quite forgiven her. sometimes, I think I have, but whenever i see my father, I forget. I love him so much, and I can't believe I have to leave him tomorrow. I love Boston and my girls, but I love Montana more. Is that wrong? Should I still want to go back as much as I do? Am I being disloyal to my mom? I know she's done everything and more for us, but in my mind, nothing can make up for taking me away from my father. Even what happened with Grace, I still love my father. I'm not to mad at him for going behind my moms back. Things happen, you know? I couldn't hold it against him. I'm not sure I trust him as much as I did before, but I still adore him. He's my father. And if he wants to date - or marry - this Grace, I'm not going to stop him. He's not married, he's allowed to date. If he wants to marry her, I'm sure i won't mind to much. As long as she's nice, I'd be happy for him. He's my father, for better or for worse.

Today, my father and I went on a ride together, and had a picnic lunch. We also had Rachel over for dinner. I don't want to leave Rachel either. Its hard to stay best friends when you're so far apart, and you don't share so many of the same memories. Maybe she can come visit in Boston soon. That would be fun, I think. But I still don't want to leave her. I'm going to hold on to these last moments the best I can, before i have to leave.

Lilyana

Lilyana - Talking to my father......

Last night, I finally did it. I finally approached my father about the woman. I know I have a right to know, because he is my father, after all, but I was still nervous. I felt like it was none of my business; whom he dated, what he did. But I had to know, I just had to.

It was around five or six, and we were in the barn, feeding the horses. I had chosen this time because my father was the most relaxed when he was around horses. A lot like me. I was just finishing feeding Dunecast; my fathers favored palomino, when my father came around the corner. He smiled at me, long and easy, and I knew it was time. With shaking hands I fiddled with my tiny side-braid; the one I haven't taken out since rachel tearfully put it in two years ago, before out car pulled out of the driveway for the last time. I always twist it when I'm nervous. I knew I had to do it, but that didn't make it any easier.
"Dad?" I stammered, my voice a croak. He looks up.
"Hmm?" He says, and I know he's not quite paying attention. There's still time to back out...But I don't.
"Dad? We need to talk."
"Talk?" He says, his attention totally on me now. " About what, bunny? What is it?" He looks concerned, and I gulp.
"About...about...about.." I stammer.
"Lily, what is it?" He says, and he looks slightly alarmed. Is everything OK?"
"I...I just want to talk about..about..you."
"Me?"
"You know. Rachel....She said she's seen you with a woman. A lot." I say, finally. He looks surprised, as though this was the last thing he expected to hear.
"You mean Grace?"" He says slowly.
"Grace? who's Grace."
" She's.......A friend, I guess."
" A.......Friend?"
" In a manner of speaking."
"Are you dating her?"
Well.....Kind of."
"Kind of? How can you 'kind of' date somebody."
"We used to date. A long time ago." He says. A long time ago? Well, that could mean anything.
"How long?" he doesn't answer. "How Long." I repeated, a sinking feeling in my stomach. I had a bad feeling about this.
"We met in high school." He says, not answering my question completely. " I was going to marry her." Marry her? What?
"Why didn't you?"
"Your mom got pregnant."
"What!! With me, you mean?"
"No! No, of course not. Thats not what I meant. With Caroline." Oh. Caroline. Caroline died when she was two, years before I was born. She had had horrible brain damage, and nobody expected her to live long. I hadn't known she was the reason my parents married. I've never mentioned her before, I guess. I never found reason to, its not something I try to hide. Its not even something my parents hid from me. I've known about Caroline ever since I was little. I just don't think about her much. I never even knew her, and plenty of babies die young. And I know that after that, once my parents were trying to get pregnant, my mother had a couple miscarriages. Then they had me, and then Melanie. Caroline was common knowledge in our house. I remember that when I was six or seven, I would pretend she was still my older sister, and talk to her in my head. It was kind of like having a diary, but without the writing part. I told her everything I did, and what I thought. I made up stories about her, to. I guess every little girl wants an older sister. When I got older, I started a diary, and the caroline-in-my-head went back to the underworld. I still address my diary as Caroline, though.
"Oh. Caroline. So thats why you married mom?"
"Yeah."
"And you loved Grace?"
"I did, although I didn't realize it then. I thought I loved your mother. Don't think badly of me, Lily, but pregnancy or not, I would never have married your mother if i hadn't thought I loved her."
"I don't think badly of you, dad." And I didn't. It made sense to me. "So...when did you realize you loved her after all?"
"A year and a half after Caroline died."
"Oh. And you.......told her that?"
"I did. We had a long talk, and agreed to stay friends."
"Friends?"
"Lilyana, there are some things that children should not know about. Yes, we were friend. I loved her. She herself never married.
"You cheated on mom?"
"Lily."
"You did!"
"Your mom and I were not meant to be together."
"Thats no excuse."
"I never said it was. But I loved Grace. I always have."
"Did you do the same thing with other women, or was she the only one?"
" We were meant for each other. There was nobody else. Lily. Just her."
"You're dating her now?"
"We've...spend some time talking."
"Oh. Will you marry her?"
"If I do, you'll be the first to know. Now, lets go have dinner." He stood, and kissed the top of my head.
"Dad?"
"Hmm?"
"Was she - Grace - the reason you divorced mom?"
"Not really. Your mother and I had problems. Grace didn't cause them. We did."
"Ok."
"I'll always love you though. You know that, right?"
"Of course, dad."
"Good. Lets go make dinner."


I'm glad I know the truth. That he did cheat on mom. I still can't believe that. I had no idea. How had I not known? How had I missed that?  That he really loved somebody else. But..I don't know....call me stupid, but i think it sounds kind of romantic. Kind of. It would be like a story, if it wasn't my dad. But it is, and I don't know quite what to think. I wonder if he will marry her. I can't imagine that, but he might. That's hard to imagine. I didn't ask him anything about...Grace. I wonder what she's like? Is she nice? Does she like horses like he does? Is she smart? Does she like kids? Would she like me? Does she sing like my mom, or is she outdoors-y? All I know about her is that she's pretty-but-not-high-maintenance, she loves my dad, she drives a battered blue truck, and is unmarried. Thats not a lot. Come to think of it, I didn't find out very much from that conversation. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I think he's hiding something. But what? I'm so confused.

Lilyana

Lilyana - Scared to talk to my dad...

I've been waiting for the right moment to get my dad alone and ask him about the woman, but I haven't yet. I mean, its not that I haven't gotten a chance to....Its just...I don't know.....I guess I'm scared to ask him. Not to ask him, exactly. Scared of what he'll say. I don't know what I want him to say, really. I'm so confused, because i don't even know what I want to happen. Rachel said that she'd seen her before. Seen the woman with the auburn hair. Rachel told me that shes really tall, and dark-eyed. Not like my short mother at all, with her light brown hair and narrow green eyes. This women sounds exactly the opposite of mom. Is that what he wanted?

But if he was in love with this woman, why didn't he marry her once he'd divorced mom? I have no idea what to think. It's not that i don't want him to have a girlfriend....clearly, he's allowed to date, he's allowed to re-marry if he wants to. But I don't like to think of him cheating on mom. Going behind her back. Sneaking around. I can't think of my father like that, like some crappy husband you read about in those super complicated love triangle novels, like A Crowded Marriage, or something. But what if this woman was his one true love? And he'd rather be with her then with mom because they were meant for each other? I'd rather him be happy then stuck with someone he didn't love. But in this case, that 'someone' is my mom. That changes things. At least, it should. And its not that I don't love my mom, its just that I love her less. No, thats not right. I love her in a different way. And I don't not want her to be happy, or anything, but if my dad really loves this other woman, he should marry her. Wait, wait. I'm getting way to ahead of myself. I don't even know if he's dating her now, let alone for years behind my mothers back. She could just be a friend, right? Men are allowed to have female friends, even unmarried ones. Or divorced ones, like my dad. Mom has tons of male friends, that doesn't mean she's dating any of them. I've got to talk to him soon, I'm only here until the sixth. Then I go back home. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But somehow i don't think so.

Lilyana

Lilyana - 'Fun' in Montana

I cannot believe how much fun I'm having in Montana! Its like I'm living here agin. I've been having so much fun with my father, I've missed him so much. When I'm out here, i know i'd give anything to stay here forever.

Yesterday, Rachel and I went on a day-long riding trip through Beckers Woods. We rode for a while, sunlight dappling Andrina and Moondust Racers sides. Andrina is Rachel's horse. She's a light brown bay with the sweetest disposition. She's really fast, and she and Rachel have won tons of competitions. Moondust Racer is the horse I ride at my fathers. My own horse, Cooper Cream, boards at a stable near where i live ion Boston, so I can ride him a lot. Moondust Racer is a light gray with a darker mane. When I ride her out on foggy mornings, I pretend I'm riding a phantom horse, born of the mist. When I told Rebecca that, she wrote me this amazingly eerie short poem. I never knew Rebecca wrote poetry. I would post it, but I bet Rebecca would kill me. But thats not the foremost of whats on my mind right now.

Yesterday, while riding in the woods, Rachel told me something that I'm not sure about.

"Hey Lilyana." Rachel turned to me, ducking beneath a branch. 

"Yeah?"

"I want to tell you something."

"Sure."

"Its really, really, serious."

"Go on."

"Lilyana, its...its hard to say."

"What s it?" I answered, not really paying that much attention. 

"Its about your father."

"My father?"NOW I was paying attention. What did she have to say about my father that was important? "What about him?" Oh god, what if he had cancer or something, and he told Rachel to tell me because he couldn't do it himself, and he's going to die and i'll be fatherless and they'll sell the ranch and I'll be stuck with mom forever! "Tell me Rachel, oh god, is he dying? Tell me truthfully!"

"Dying? No, Lil, of course not! Thats not what I meant at all!I'm sorry I scared you."

"Thank god!"

"If was dying, he'd tell you himself."

"You think?"

"Definitely." 

"Well, what is it, though?" I asked, part relieved, part annoyed, part scared. Moondust nickered, ad i absently stroked his ears.

"Well....I saw him with a woman yesterday."

"A woman?"

"Yeah, this pretty auburn haired woman."

"You mean...like, dating? A date?"

"I guess so."

"Well, there's nothing wrong if he wants to date again. I mean he's allowed to. He's not married anymore" I almost cried with relief. That was all? Dating? I didn't care if my father dated, not really. I mean, if he got super involved with her and forgot about me, or maybe if she was mean, or he wanted to marry her, I might get upset, with good reason. But just dating? No problem. Even if he wanted to marry agin, I wouldn't mid that much, as long as she was nice and liked horses. Its not like I had any illusions about him and mom getting back together, because I knew that was never happening. "Thts fine rachel. I'm glad you told me, but I don't mind."

"Thats not all." She said. What now? Where they engaged, or something? Was she pregnant?

"What, he's not marring her, tight?"

"Not that I know of."

"Then what?"

"I've....seen her before."

"You know her? Who is she? Is she nice? Do I know her?"

"No to all. Well  except the nice one, because I have no clue. She doesn't look mean. No, I've seen her around a lot."

"They're probably sleeping together."

"Not what I meant Lil, although yes, probably. No, I meant I'd seen her before. Like, while you where still here."

"You mean....while he was still married to mom?"

"Uh-huh." She nodded. Whoa. If she meant what I though she meant, then....

"You never said anything!"

"I didn't put it all together till a week ago. I'd seen her around for ages, I just never connected her to your Dads girlfriend before." My Dads Girlfriend. I never thought i'd ever think those words, let alone hear them. And if Rachel was right, they'd been there for longer then I would expect. Longer then I ever knew.

"You think she was cheating on my mom?"

"I don't know. Who knows? Maybe. Ask him, Lil. You have a right to know."

I do. But did I want to? Did I want to know my dad was cheating on my mom? Well, at least it seemed serious. I'd rather my dad cheated on one girl he seemed to really like then a lot of girls he didn't care about, like some peoples fathers did. But had he? Had there been other girls? I didn't think so. But then, I hadn't noticed this woman either. How much was I missing? I'm going to ask him, maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day. Whenever seemed right.

Lil