Samantha - Rebecca being weird part 2

Okay, so on with what happened yesterday. Usually; Lilyana, Melanthe and I  walk home together (unless we have better things to do), but yesterday I decided that I had to talk to Rebecca, which meant staying late. I knew that for whatever reason Rebecca might skip school, she'd never, ever miss ballet. She throws her soul into her dancing, so I knew that no matter what; she'd be there. So I did my homework in the library until six, which was when her class got out. I grabbed my backpack ad ran into the courtyard; hoping beyond ope that I hadn't missed her. But no, there she was,

Walking down the schools long driveway, her purple hat stark against the gloomy late afternoon. I could see the silver gleam of her ballet bag over her shoulder. 

" Hey! Rebecca!" I called, cupping my hand around my mouth. She didn't turn around. "Rebecca!" I shouted again, and I winced at how loud and annoying it sounded in the crisp fall air. Still she didn't turn around, or speed up, or give any indication that she'd heard me - which of course she must have. I sighed in exasperation, and began to run after her, short puffs of air exploding into the chilly afternoon, my footsteps pounding on the asphalt. 

Finally I caught up to her. I stepped in front of her, panting, blocking her path. 

" What the hell, Rebecca?" I said, grabbing her arm as she tried to get around me. She flinched, yanking her arm out of my grasp. 

 " What?" She said, her tone bored, as though she hadn't skipped school for no reason whatsoever.
" What do you mean, what? You know perfectly well what!" I said angrily, mentally groaning at how   parent-ish I sounded.

" I was sick, Samantha." She said, in a well-duh kind of voice, rolling her eyes. But she refused to meet my eyes, her large hazel orbs sliding down my face to focus on the ground. 

" Come on, Rebecca. Where were you today? The teachers were freaking out, like, totally."She shrugged.

"Yeah? So what. I'll just tell them I was sick, okay?"

" But you weren't. This isn't like you."

" Samantha  - " she started, then stopped. "Nevermind."

" You weren't sick. You were at dance, right? I challenged, knowing how weak an argument that was. That girl would probably go to her dance class if our house was on fire. Mercifully, she let that pas without comment, saying only:

" It doesn't matter, Samantha. Really." She turned as if to go.

" Come on, Rebecca." I said, exasperated. "What the hell is going on? 

" Do you ever feel restless, Samantha?"

"What?" I said, surprised. " Er....yeah, I guess."

" Like you can't stand to be here anymore, like an ache so deep inside of you that you can't go anything about it. And sometimes you can't control yourself anymore, and it's like you're falling, but you don't know where, or why. You don't know who you are anymore." Her voice was low, but her words sounded foreign to me.

" What are you talking about, Rebecca?" Maybe she was sick. Like, delirious, or something. "Do you feel ok?"

" Like you're being chased," she went on "but you don't know what's chasing you, and nobody else can see it but you, and even you can't sometimes. And its like you can't go on another moment, you have to run, or escape, but you know you can't.  You know you can't get rid of whatever it is that feels so wrong. And you know that you shouldn't feel this way; that it's wrong - that you're wrong, somehow. But you do."

" Are we still talking about why you weren't at school?" I asked, confused. "Because are so going to be in so much trouble if you don't have a legitimate excuse. " She sighed. 

" Listen, never mind, okay?"

"Huh?"

" I was sick, alright?"

"Rebecca, what..?"

" Today. i stayed home sick. Just....leave it at that."

" Rebecca, I don't-?"

" Drop it, okay, Samantha. I shouldn't have said anything, I just....." She stopped, and shrugged, scuffed her shoes on the rough pavement. " I thought maybe... it doesn't matter." 

"  Rebecca, wait!" I called, still confused. What was she talking about. But she was gone, her bright hat disappearing around the corner; and i knew he wouldn't be home for dinner. 

Samantha

Samantha - Rebecca being weird again part 1

Rebecca isn't at school today. And I don't mean she's sick, or something. She got up with the rest of us; skipped breakfast like she always does ( "Dancers are thin, Sammy.") and went out the door a half hour before we do, like usual. She likes to go in early to practice in the studio before classes start. Anyway, we have A block together; and she wasn't there. I wasn't worried or anything; because maybe she was talking with the principle about something; or got held up in the studio, or was asked to show some new kid around. (We all have to do that at some point.) But then after C block, Melanthe caught up to me in the hallway.

" Samantha!" She called. I turned around, and saw her running towards me; her long red hair twisted into a bun, her ams full of books.

"What?" I replied, shifting though my binder to make sure I had my D block (math) homework.

" Samantha, have you seen Rebecca?" She pulled on my arm, and I looked up. Her huge green eyes looked alarmed.

" What? No - she wasn't in A block."

" She wasn't in science either." Melanthe said, frowning. "Do you think she went home sick?"

" Maybe.... she seemed OK this morning, though."

" There's a cold going around. Maybe she has that."

" Yeah, maybe. That must be it......" I said, grinning. Melanthe didn't look to convinced, but she shrugged and headed off to her D block French class. (Which Rebecca should have been in to.)

But it was during Melanthe's D block French class that we realized that something was wrong. Of course, I didn't, because I wasn't there, but Melanthe told me over lunch.

" Samantha, you will never guess what happened during French!" Melanthe said, sliding into the seat next to me, and plopping down her lunch bag.

" What?" Andrea asked; swallowing a bite of turkey sandwich. " Are you sitting with us today?"
 Here I guess I should explain that the four of us don't usually sit together at lunch, with the occasional exception of me and Melanthe. I sit with my best friend Andrea, my friends Casey, Sophia and Dezzy, and another girl named Lucy, who is more Andrea's friend then mine, and plays basketball. Lilyana sits with Ani and another girl; a shy, pretty redhead named Delia. Melanthe divides her time between us, and a loud, popular table of girls that I don't really know very well. Rebecca goes to the library; I think, or the studio.

" Yeah. Yum, can I steal a chip, Drea?" Melanthe reached over the table and grabbed a Cape Cod Potato chip from Andrea, whom she insists on calling 'Drea.'

" Hey!" Andrea protested; swatting her hand away. " Eat you own food, you little theif!" She said, pulling her chip bag out of reach. Melanthe laughed, and took a bite of her apple, which she had taken out of her brightly striped lunch bag along with a piece of cold pizza and a bag of halloween oreos; which my mom had gotten as a special treat the other day.

" ANYWAY," I interrupted, "What happened, Mel?"

" The office called about Rebecca."

" Wait.....what?" My stomach dropped. " She's not, like...."

" What? Dead? Do you think we'd be sitting here if she was?"

" No." mumbled Andrea through a mouthful of goldfish.

" So what did they call about?"

" Oh, you know." Melanthe waved her hand in the air. " Hello Miss Reinstein; this is Dorry from the main office called to see if Rebecca Rubin is in class. That type of call."

" And she's not?" Sophia butted in. " You mean she skipped? Why?"

" No clue." I said dully, pushing at my sandwich.

" Wow, Rebecca?" Said Casey, shoving her dark blond hair out of her face. " She's in my Language Arts class. Never thought she'd skip."

" Neither did we, really." Melanthe said, grinning at Casey as though they shared a special, private joke. " Little Miss Perfect most of the time."

" Boy, will your mom be pissed." Andrea said, pushing a chip at me over the table. " Remember when you skipped that test, Mel? Her mom went nuts!"

" Wait; why would Samantha's mom go nuts if Melanthe skipped school?" Casey interjected.

" Mellie and Rebecca board with Samantha. You know; through that program the school offers." Andrea explained.

" Oh yeah. Jeez, Rebecca's in for it then. Daphne - you know Daphne Halti?" We shook our heads. Mostly, Lucy moved in different circles then we did. She was part of the (small) sports program; while we were all majoring in the arts; which was what the school was for; being a preforming arts school, and all. But there was a sports program, and there were students who moved exclusively in that area, like Lucy. Then there were students like Andrea; who did both sides. Andrea was here mostly for soccer, basketball and hockey, but she also did theatre; which was how we met.

" Daphne Halti? The tall blonde on upper school basketball team?" asked Andrea; referring to the team for 10th, 11th, and 12th graders.

" Yeah. She boards with Lindsey Masenari, right? And she skipped to go into the city with her boyfriend, and they got caught."

" And?"

" She almost had to go back home."

" You mean get kicked out of the program?"

"Yeah. They come down real hard on kids in the Boarding program. But she'd done it before."

" Rebecca hasn't."

" I know." Casey said.


Ok, I am officially freaked. Where the heck is Rebecca? She wasn't there when we got home today; and it's almost three now. What is going on? Is this like what happened this summer, when she never came home that day? What is up? I mean; she hasn't seemed that off in the last couple days. No more the usual. She's been in one of her mopey, sullen moods where she won't talk to anybody. She gets like that a lot, but we've stopped paying attention. It's just who she is. But now I'm a bit worried. Where is she?

Freaked out,

Samantha

Melanthe - Hate school.

I cannot believe that it is almost school! i just can't! I hate, hate HATE school. It is the worst thing ever! And I mean ever. I cannot see how anybody (Rebecca) could like it! It is horrible! All the talking, and the teachers, and the tests i always fail. It's the worst place on earth. It truly is. I mean; it's fun cuz you get to see your friends, but the academic side of it sucks. I'm just not good at it! I can't do it, I just can't. I am horrible at everything. I suck at math, I can't spell, and I'm useless at science. Utterly useless. It's just a waste of time to go at all, because I know that I'm going to fail. I wish we didn't have to go.

Melanthe.

Samantha - Almost school...

I cannot believe that school starts in five days. Five days. Summer is almost over but from FIVE DAYS! Where did it go? I have no,no, no, idea. I just don't. Last I remembered, it was the beginning of July, and we were talking about moving. Whatever happened to that? Not a lot. We still don't have a buyer for our house, so, who knows? So what happened this summer? It seems like it went by so fast! Like a millisecond! So much happened, but it seems like such a short time that it happened in! I'll miss summer.

And then we'll have school. I don't dislike school, exactly. Not like Melanthe does. But I don't like it either, like Lilyana or Rebecca do. It's just...school. Inevitable, but not horrible. I'm not a bad student - I get good enough grades - but school is boring. So, so, boring. It is such a waste of time! They go blah, blah, blah, and we just sit there, bored. And they don't even notice! Like.....what? Why don't they see that we are all asleep? I guess they don't. Oh well, to bad for them. I can't believe that in a week I'll be in the classroom. It's just strange. Homework, friends, teachers, classes.....eh. Just school. I do want to try and pack as much as I can into the last days of summer. Before we are herded up and crammed into hot classrooms like sheep penned up for slaughter!

Anyway, on to other things. Firstly, Rebecca. Who has ben acting totally weird lately. As if that's a surprise. But weirder, I mean, then usual. She's all giddy sometimes, and she'll spontaneously do a piroette or something in the hall, or walking down the street. She spends a lot of time on the roof; not just at night, but during the day, too. I don't know what she does up there. She plays her guitar, or dances, I know, but a lot of time we just hear quiet. Sometimes I look out the window and crane my head up to ask her something, but she's not there? Where does she go? She hasn't talked to any of us much for a while. Not since the pageant, I think. She did through a book at me yesterday when I asked her to clean up her papers, which was weird. I just backed out into the hallway, and closed the door. She is just to strange for words.

TTFN

Samantha

Samantha - SO MAD.

I am so, so upset. I cannot believe I didn't win! I ma so, so, so, much better then that idiot Rebecca! She did NOT deserve to win - not at all! Sure, she's pretty, but so what? I have a better personality, and I am a hundred times more talented then she is. Everybody loved my singing! She is just some dancer who thinks she can come in here and ruin everything for me. It is not fair. I deserved to win! I wanted it so much. She doesn't even care! I cannot believe it, i just can't!

I guess it's not her fault that she won, though. I'm not really mad at her. Not really. It wasn't her fault. It's the judges I'm mad at, really.

Maybe next year, then.

Samantha

PS here are some backstage pics of us!

Samantha - She's not back!!!! Help!!!!!!!

Am I going nuts? Did anybody else see her last post that said she'd be home Friday night? Because I did. And thats what it said! She said so! And she emailed me saying that she'd be home either Friday night, or Saturday morning! And guess what - its past Friday night, and it's so, so, so not Saturday morning anymore. And she's not back from camp yet. I can't believe it! Where is she? Its four in the afternoon, and she's not here! I have no idea what to do! My mom cheeked the bus schedules, and her bus had arrived here on time! So where is she? Where the hell is Rebecca? I'm freaking out over here. I have no clue what's going on. We called her cell, but nobody answers. We've texted her a bazillion times, and she hasn't answered. I'm so, so worried, and I have nobody to freak out with! Lilyana's coming home from Montana on Monday, and Melanthe should be back tomorrow. So I called Andrea, and she came over. Andrea doesn't know Rebecca to well, but  - who am I kidding? I don't either. Maybe if I knew her better, I'd be able to figure out where she'd gone. Because now, I have no clue. We called the camp, the dance studio - it would be so like her to go straight there and not tell anybody - and mom even called her parents in New York. Her dad answered. mom put him on speakerphone, so we could all hear. She asked him if he knew where she was.
"What, you lost her, or somthin?" He said. He laughed, a hiccup-y, strange, laugh. My mom explained the situation.  "Ah, giver her a'couple days. She'll come back." He said, and he didn't sound concerned at all. My mom asked him what he meant, and he didn't answer. Then she went on for five minuets about did he know where she was, was there anyplace she might go, did she ever do this before, did he think we needed to worry (no), should we cal the police, ect. When she finally came up for breath, we found he'd hung up. Well. No help there, I suppose. He didn't sound worried. Did that mean that we shouldn't worry, or that he's a moron? He sounded like a moron. What if he kidnapped her? I read that in most kidnapping cases, it was a parent or close relative! He didn't sound like somebody I'd trust. Actually, he sounded kinda drunk. Or something. Rebecca said once that she didn't get along with her dad. I can see why! But, again, I shouldn't judge. Maybe we caught him on a bad day. Thats what Lily would say. I'm not quite sure I agree with that, but, who knows? He sounded like this had happened before. Had she run away before? Is that even what this is? She could be kidnapped, or late, or dead. Oh God. I never thought about that. What if she's dead! Hit by a car, or shot by some madman, or dragged into a dark alley and raped. What if! That would be horrible. I couldn't stand that! Or what if she jumped off a bridge or something! Before, I would say no way, but now........What if? Lots of times, I've thought that maybe something......but I just put it down to Rebecca being Rebecca. But what if its not? Oh god, why am I thinking this way? Its ridiculous, its stupid, its dumb, but what if its true? What if? I could never forgive myself. Oh god, what if-

No. Stop. She's not dead. She's just late. Late. Nothing more. Breathe, Samantha. She's either late, or she's just Rebecca being Rebecca. Nothing weird about that, right? Rebecca can be strange. She can be unexpected. She can be annoying, and mean, and intolerable. She often does strange things. This is one of them. We are over-reacting. We are freaking out far to much. We are using the royal we for no apparent reason. I must be calm. She'll be home tonight. Mom says she might have meant Saturday night when she typed Friday night. Its possible. If she's not back, we'll call the police. Maybe she got lost. Or fell and hit her head. This is under control. She is not dead, or kidnapped, or jumped off a bridge. Everything is fine. Rebecca is fine. There is nothing to worry about.

Then why am I worrying??? I should call Lilyana. I hope everything turns out ok.

Samantha

Lilyana - Chaos and discord (again)

Hey guys, its Lilyana. I’ve been thinking about how much work needs to be done before the move! I mean, look at our room. We probably have a lot of stuff we don’t want any more, and a lot of stuff we could throw away, especially if our new room is smaller then this one. Samantha also really needs to sort through all her stuffed animals; she has far to many. It would also be nice to get rid of some old furniture (like our desk!) and get some new ones. But I’m not sure if that’s going to happen; furniture is expensive. What we’d really like is the roll top desk from American Girl, but (again) its kind of expensive. It would also be great to have a bookcase, because we have a lot of books. We could also put the mice on the bookcase, and our Our Generation dolls. Moving is definitely going to be a challenge, but I think it’ll be fun to organize our new room, and pack all our stuff, and everything. I like organization, and cleaning. Its really fun. Its nice to now everything has a place and can be put in that place, and when you do it will look nice.

Yesterday, we had a family meeting about the move. Samantha said it would be a good idea so we could “Get Our Priorities Straight”. Anyway, we all traipsed into the living room, and waited for Samantha to start speaking. I was curled up on the big green armchair, and had my chin in my hand, the rough velvet scratchy against my bare feet.

“Ok guys.” Samantha began. “I know we all have some….er…concerns about the move.”

“No kidding.” Snorted Melanthe. Samantha turned to her.

“Well, Mellie, I guess that’s true. And I guess we should talk about that problem first, OK?”

“Whatever.”

“Ok, Melanthe, Rebecca, I know its going to be hard having one of you leave, but there’s no point denying it. We’ve gotta decide.”

“I’m not leaving.” Intoned Rebecca flatly. Samantha turned to Melanthe, palms raised. Melanthe raised a ginger eyebrow at her.

“Yes, Samantha?”

“Now Melanthe-””

“If this is going to turn into another stupid conversation about all the merits of me LEAVING, then I’m out of here.”

“No, Mellie. Stay. I just thought if you found some really nice girls to board with, that would be ok, right? Remember, that girl Teresa who looked super nice?"

“NO, Samantha. Not right. I have just as much right here as anybody else does. And that includes Rebecca. I was here before her! Why, then, am I the one you all want gone.”

“Mellie, we don’t all want you gone, you know that.” I said.

“Yeah. Sure, Lilyana. As long as it suits you.”

“Whats that supposed to mean?”

“YOU aren’t in any danger of leaving. You can afford to be nice.”

“Melanthe, that’s crap.” Said Samantha. “Don’t turn on Lily because she’s NICE.” 

“I’m not leaving.” Rebecca repeated.

“Oh yeah, miss ‘I’m such an aloof dancer?’? Why is that, then? Answer me that, Rebecca.” Rebecca didn’t say anything, just crossed her arms over her chest and looked out the window out onto the street, where we could see a dusky brown cat chasing a bird, leaping at it and batting it with outreached claws. “Exactly.” Melanthe snarled.

“Melanthe, calm down.”

“Yeah, Lily. Sure.”

“I just don’t see why Rebecca can’t-”

“Of course you don’t! You don’t see anything about me! You’re just a vapid, mindless Barbie doll obsessed with tanning and shopping!”

“Oh? I can’t see? You don’t care about anybody but yourself, Rebecca. You are so selfish, so wrapped up in yourself! You don’t care about me, what I feel, as long as you’re happy.”

“That’s not - ”

“Uh-huh. Like you always say, Rebecca. Well, it true. You’re just such a selfish, messed up freak.’

“I-”

“Oh yeah, deny it. Like you always do. You know what, I’d rather leave then be here with you.”

“Melanthe, please-”

“Stick up for her, Lilyana, go on. You know whats up with her, don’t you?”

“Just shut up, Melanthe! Just shut up! You are just so shallow, so stupid, so annoying! I don’t understand why you are being so mean. You have other options, I don’t. You can find another, better, place, with people that are more like you. Why can’t you just pack up your bags and go! Just go! We’d all be happier here without you. Nobody here like you!” She screamed, and I mean SCREAMED.

“Rebecca-” Samantha said, starting forward.

“Rebecca, please, you need to- ” I began.

“Rebecca, you are such a-” began Melanthe. Rebecca lunged forward, and shoved Melanthe into the bookcase. Melanthe screamed, and covered her head with her arms, ducking out of the way as a couple books tumbled off the shelf, her read hair flying. Rebecca stared at Samantha, her eyes wide and kind of strange. Then she ran from the room. We heard the front door slam.

Well. Just another strange, weird day in our house. That was yesterday. Today, I think all of us are still kind of shocked. Rebecca was, I think, out on the roof all night. I could hear the faint strains of her guitar in my dreams.

Lilyana

Lilyana - Now They Know.....

First of all, Happy Forth everybody! Second of all, Today was a huge day for us. Yesterday we finally told our friends – Maddi, Andrea and Ani– that we were moving to Ellis Ave. Let me tell you what happened.

We arrived at the party around noonish, and standing on the blistering concrete we could already hear the study thrum of music. I didn’t know the song, it was something perky and auto–tuned that Melanthe would like. I glanced around at my friends. Samantha was wearing an American Girl Chicago tee-shirt and jean shorts. Melanthe wore a right red halter dress. I was wearing jeans and a white floaty top. Rebecca was the only one who had refused to wear patriotic colors – She said her new yellow graphic tee-shirt was fine, and that it wasn’t a law that you had to wear red, white, and blue on the forth of July.  Earlier yesterday, Melanthe got pretty mad about that, but i don’t think it matters. Unfortunately, Rebecca didn’t see it that way. She and Melanthe got into this huge fight about clothes. I mean, honestly. Finally, Melanthe got mad and stormed into the bathroom to cake make–up on her face. Sometimes, I wish Rebecca could see things like I do. Rebecca may come across as not very empathetic or compassionate, but I know she is, she just doesn’t show it. Sometimes, however, it does seem like she just makes no effort to understand how the other person is feeling. Didn’t she see that Melanthe didn’t really care about the clothes, she was upset with Rebecca because Rebecca was refusing to leave? Melanthe felt that the whole household was conspiring to kick her out, and blamed it on Rebecca, because she wanted her to go back to New York. Not to mention that Rebecca is not the easiest person to live with.  Wait – this blog post is supposed to be about yesterday, not an analysis of Rebecca and Melanthe’s relationship. Sorry. 

Anyway, we were hovering at the door when we saw Andrea bounding towards us, blond hair swinging wildly.

“Samantha, hey, over here!” she called, waving. Andrea is a very excitable person, and she hugged Samantha briefly while grinning at the rest of us.

“Hi Andrea. Where’s everybody else?”

“We snagged a picnic table out back. Lets get some of Lily’s pie and join them, come on!” Andrea headed off to the food table, Samantha and Melanthe following in her wake.

“Come on,” I said to Rebecca. “ or there won’t be any left. You know Andrea.” Rebecca barely cracked a smile at the mention of our friends large appetite, but followed me as we proceeded to get slices of Lemon, blueberry, and apple pie.

Once outside, Mellie and Samantha slid into the picnic table with Maddi and Andrea, while Rebecca sat down cross-legged under the oak tree that made out chosen spot so shady. I went over to the picnic table, and sat down next to my best friends Ani Akina. 

"Hi, Ani. How are you?"

"Hey Lilyana. What do you think of my hair?" Ani asked. Kanani (or Ani, as I called her) wasn't a girl who cared to much about her looks, but she had to pay a lot of attention to her hair. That was because its deep brown, and longer then her butt. Today, she had it french braided, and it looked really pretty.

"It looks fantastic. Who did it?"

"Maddi."

"Of course. What do you think of my pie?"

"Thanks, Kani. What type are you having?"

"Apple. Tastes really cinnamon - y."

"I'm glad you like it. Did you watch the horse race yesterday?"

It was when we were done with our pie that Samantha stood up.

"I have an announcement." She said, taking a deep breath. Everybody turned towards her. Maddi and Melanthe stopped giggling.

"I have an announcement." Samantha repeated. She looked really nervous. "I -"

"Are you getting another dog?" Andrea burst in. Samantha glared at her. "What, I only meant that you have, like, four dogs, so I only thought - "

"Can it, Andrea." Samantha growled. "Anyway, I have an announcement."

" You said."

"Shh. I have an announcement."

"SAMANTHA! TELL US!"

"OK, I want to tell you......."

"Tell us!"

"Andrea, be quiet. We're moving."

"WHAT!!!!" Andrea gasped, her eyes shooting from Samantha to Rebecca to Melanthe to me. 

"Moving? Why?" Ani turned to me, her eyes shocked. 

"We need more space." I answered. "You know, because my mom needs an office, and we don't have enough bedrooms."

"I can't believe it. Is it true?" Maddi turned to Melanthe. 

"Yes." Melanthe muttered. Maddi put an arm around her. Andrea opened her mouth again, but Samantha held up a hand.

"Wait. There's more."

"More?"

"The new house doesn't have a loft." She burst out. Everybody looked around, unsure of why this counted as something important. It was Ani, good old Ani, who grasped the seriousness of the situation. 

"But...there is enough space for all of you.....right?"

"No." sighed Samantha. 

"What!" gasped Andrea. 

"We don't have enough space in the bedroom for four of us, at least not according to the requirements on Traveling Stars."

"I.....What are you going to do?"

"One of us will have to go."Said Samantha, with an air of  a tragic heroine. Maddi sat bolt upright from where she'd been lying on the grass, trying to get a tan.

"What! Go? Who? Melanthe...."

"Yeas. Its true."

"But who's going to leave? How will you decide?"

"It won't be me." Said Rebecca from her corner, her first contribution to the conversation. 

"But that leaves....Mellie?"

"Yeah. Thats what THEY think, anyway."

"But you can't go! Thats insane!"

"I know...I just....Maddi, lets go." They stood up, the blond and the redhead, and started to leave. 

"Wait! Mellie, Maddi, come back!" called Ani, but they either couldn't or wouldn't hear. They disappeared back into the building, probably to join the party. Samantha looked at Andrea, and there were tears in her eyes.

"I'll miss not living next to you, Jules."

"Wait - where are you moving to?"

"Just across town, to Ellis Ave. But oh, Andrea! I'll miss living here. I've been here for four years, nothing will always be the same." 

Andrea held out her arms to Samantha, and she collapsed into them, sobbing.

"Oh Andrea! I'll miss my house!"

"So will I!"

"I know, you're over there al the time!"

"Its so sad! I won’t be living across from each other any more!”

“I know! Its horrible.”

I turned to Ani. Now I won’t live next door to you.” I said sadly. I would miss living near Ani. She had been my best friend ever since she moved here two years ago. I would miss her so much when we moved.

Lily

Rebecca - Doubts

I can’t get what Melanthe said out of my head. Is there something wrong with me? Is it my fault that I’m the way I am? Is it really true, how weird I am? Is that how they all see me, a pathetic freak? Maybe nobody does want me. I want to be alone, and yet I don’t want them not to want me. I want solitude to be my own choice, because it is what i prefer, not what is forced upon me. But sometimes I can’t deal with that, and i don’t understand why I even think that. I must be so stupid, to think that way. I worry that Lilyana will tell them, and they’ll hate me. I worry that Samantha will make me leave, make me go home. She doesn’t understand I can’t go home. Maybe Melanthe is right, maybe I am running from something. So what if I am? Aren’t we all? Don’t we all, at some point in our lives? The world is full of people running from secrets and pasts, running and running and running until they die. Running until they are blissfully gone, into the void and despair they were running from. Until they lose themselves, which is what I feel like right now. At least I have Dance tomorrow. That’s one good thing. A quote from wicked keeps running through my head, all day, all night so I couldn’t sleep, and had to dance instead. “Are People born wicked, or do they have Wickedness thrust upon them?” Am I the way I am because of my parents, or am I the way I am just because of me? This is all just getting to much for me, I’m going to the Studio to dance, the only thing i can safely do anymore.

Samantha - Fighting.....

I don’t know where to start! Yesterday was an utter madhouse once Melanthe came home. Everybody else elected me to write the post about it, because Melanthe is to angry and bias towards herself, Lilyana didn’t hear the whole thing, and Rebecca refuses. I don’t really know why. Honestly, I don’t know why anybody does anything anymore, especially Rebecca. But enough about that, I have a story too tell. Ok, here goes. I was reading an American Girl magazine on my bed, and Rebecca was practicing her guitar when Melanthe came home. Lilyana was downstairs helping her mother make dinner. Melanthe stormed into the bedroom, hands on hips.

“Alright, guys.” She snarled. “Out with it! Tell me about the move, Okay?” I put down the magazine.

“ Well, we’re moving.” I said, trying to stay as calm a I could. Rebecca was still quietly plunking at the guitar strings. “We’re moving to a house on Ellis Ave. Its really very nice.”

“Yes. AND?” I knew what she’d meant as soon as she’d said it, from the way she’d said it. Maybe if i hadn’t read her blog entry, I might have thought my mother or somebody else had told her we were moving, But I just knew she’d read the blog from the tone of her voice. But I had to answer.

“And…..Our bedroom is to small four all four of us. The house just isn’t right.”

“And HOW many bedrooms are there, Samantha?”

“Well……six.”

“There you go. You and Lily can share, Rebecca and I can, though god knows I would rather not. We’re the boarders here – It makes sense. There’s no reason for ANY of us to leave!”

“No, its not like that. One room is for my parents, one is for Lily’s mom, one is for Sara, one is for Melanie, one is for us, and the sixth we’re turning into Lily’s mothers office. You see, there is just no room, Mellie.”

“Well, why does Lily’s family have to stay with you, huh? Why can’t they go somewhere else? This is so stupid, Lily’s mom doesn’t need an office, anyway.”

“Yes - ”

“This is all Lily’s fault, her fault for her stupid, fricking family coming here and messing up all of our lives!”

Of course, that’s when Lily came in. She paused in the doorway, her blue eyes wide, taking in the scene. She gave me an stare, which said “Oh My God!”, and scuttled across the room to stand quietly next to her bed. Melanthe turned her back on Lily, and was then facing Rebecca.

“Well, what about her?” She said. Rebecca stood up.

“Well, what about me, Melanthe?”

“Why can’t she leave, huh? She’s not been here as long as I have, if anyone has to leave, its HER!”

“ I can’t - ”

“Oh, you can’t. That’s right, of course you can’t. Of course Its ME who has to leave. Nobody even asked me!”

“Melanthe,” I said. “You said you were thinking about it, we looked at all those people at the Travelling Stars website!”

“I didn’t realize you were serious! And why didn’t you do that with Rebecca, huh? Why did you just assume it was ME that had to leave?”

“I did look with Rebecca, we sent a few emails-”

“And did SHE get any responses?”

“Well no, but you got loads, so it makes sense-”

“What? That I get to leave? And why didn’t Rebecca get any responses? Tell me that, Samantha!”

“Sometimes it takes a while - ”

“Yeah, sure. “Takes a while.” Don’t kid with me Samantha, this is EMAIL! NOT snail – mail. Its INSTANT! It doesn’t 'Take A While'!”

“ I tried, Mel.”

“Yeah, whatever Rebecca. Tell me this, OK? What is so WRONG with you that nobody will take you, huh? Are you really that weird that NOONE WILL REPLY? What was on your form, Rebecca? What was it that makes nobody want you as a boarder? Are you that much of a freak, Rebecca? It must be something really bad that nobody even replied. Tell me Rebecca, come on, OK? Why don’t you, huh? Out with it, or is it really just your overall freakiness? Dear GOD, you must be really MESSED UP THAT NOBODY even WANTS you! And why can’t you go back home, Rebecca? Why don’t they want you at home, either? Even your own FAMILY doesn’t want you anymore. God, why should WE even have to LIVE with you? We don’t even know whats WRONG WITH YOU! YOU COULD BE A SICOPATH, REBECCA! Get out, Rebecca. Nobody wants you here, you’re sick, OK? Just get out, you freak, you freak, you freak, you - ”

“SHUT UP!”

But it wasn’t Rebecca who ran across the room and slapped Melanthe in the face. It was Lilyana.

“Oh yeah, that’s right. Lilyana knows, doesn’t she? Lilyana knows your dirty little secret. Doesn’t she? She knows what you’re running from.”

Rebecca stood there, dumbfounded, then went over and sat on the bed, with her back to us. Lilyana went over and sat next to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. Melanthe stormed out of the room, and we heard the bang of the screen door.

 Well, that was yesterday. Melanthe slept over at Maddi's, and she’s not back yet. Rebecca is still ‘sulking’. Lilyana is at the stables, she probably won’t be back for a while. I guess I’ll start finding an outfit for the party. It seems eerily calm here after yesterday. Like a lull before a storm. Strangely calm. I wish Rebecca would start playing her guitar, at least it would make some noise.


S

Lilyana - So Sorry

I’m so sorry about what happened in the last post. I guess Melanthe really flew off the handle. I can see what she’s so angry, and I do understand. I knew we should have told her. But its too late now, we just need to deal with it, whatever happens. She’s not home now, she must have read all that and typed that post at the theatre, where she is now, practicing the flute. I don’t know what will happen when she gets home, but I know it won’t be good. I don’t know how we got ourselves into this mess. I knew we shold have told her, but its to late now, I guess.

MELANTHE - SO FREAKING UPSET!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE DID NOT TELL ME! HOW COULD THAT IDIOT KEEP THAT FROM ME? HOW COULD THEY ALL EXPECT ME TO BE A GOOD LITTLE GIRL AND GO ALONG WITH IT????? HOW??? WHO DO THEY THINK I AM? I DON’T WANT THIS ANY MORE THEN THEY DO!!! AND WITH SAMANTHA, I DON’T REALLY WANT TO GO! I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST FOOLING AROUND ON THE COMPUTER! I NEVER THOUGHT SHE WAS SERIOUSE! IF I’D KNOW….. I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FEEL LIKE THEY’VE BETRAYED ME. I THOUGHT I KNEW THEM, YET NOW I RWALIZE THEY’VE BEEN HIDING THIS HUGE SCRET FROM ME, NOT TO MENTION WJATEVER REBECCA IS BITCHING ABOUT. I don’t even know if i WANT TO LIVE HERE ANY MORE!!!!!!!

Lilyana - Thoughts About The Move

Rebecca found out today, and I think she took it fairly well, considering. She’s been very calm, but I worry that something else is going on, behind the calmness. Rebecca is like that sometimes. I don’t know how I feel about this. I like my room and our house, but I know it would be better for everyone if we moved. We do need the space, and i know Mom really wants her own office so she can have privacy while she works. Melanie also needs her own room. She’s almost ten, and should really have her own space. I guess I do really feel okay about this move. I would be great about it, except that it means one of us must leave. I can’t feel good about that. To break us up is awful. But maybe Mellie would have a better time with girls more like her. I don’t think any of us understand her very well. Sometimes I think I do, but then she does or says something that makes me stop and reconsider. Rebecca….Well, I partly agree with her. She can’t go home, and I don’t know if she’d be welcome anywhere else, because of…what she told me last week. I hope she admits it to the others soon, because she’ll face a lot of trouble if they find out from somewhere else. But besides that, I really feel guilty that I don’t care more about this. Because I really don’t. Maybe if I were leaving I would feel different, but I’m not, and there’s no chance I ever will. Gosh, and I’m supposed to be the emotional one!

Samantha had a talk with Rebecca today, and she agreed to send in a few applications – just to see. She got annoyed, but agreed “JUST to see, Samantha. You know I’m not going.” I’m really worried about what will happen. Wish us luck. 

Rebecca - I just found out.....

I can’t believe she didn’t tell me. I can’t believe she thought I would think about leaving. I just…..well, this is so strange. I had no idea that this was going on, I mean, i should have guessed from what Melanthe and Samantha were talking about on the computer yesterday, but I didn’t. I’m so stupid not to have, I really am. Haven’t I told myself a million times to be on the lookout? At least I know Samantha didn’t want me to leave, that was a relief. When I skimmed her post, all i caught was “will have to leave”, “Rebecca” “the hardest to live with” “ Never see her again” and “Anger”. I thought I was back in NY for a second, and I felt like i was going to faint. Then I thought that maybe she’d talked to someone from NYSA, and she was throwing me out because she’d found out about me. I thought she stopped liking me, and I couldn’t bear for that to happen, but then I read the whole thing. I understand now, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I can’t go, I can’t go back to NY, and i don’t know what else I could do. It must be Mellie who leaves. She has other options, while I do not. She’ll be fine.

I still feel like its my fault though, something I've done, something she thinks about me. It has to be my fault, because who else's would it be? I know in the end I'll be the one to go, to leave, because who in their right mind would choose me over beautiful Melanthe? Nobody. I know she'll make me go, I know she hates me now, for whatever reason. She's leaving me, abandoning me under the false pretenses of moving. She's betraying me, betraying us, and it makes me sad. But she can't make me go. She can't.

But I see why Samantha is upset about leaving. It is a beautiful house, and while I can’t say that I’m very attached to it – (I try not to get attached to anything, anymore) – I can see how somebody who’d lived there for four years might be. Butt she’s moved before, she’ll get over it. Like she said in her last post – She likes change. Oh, and Samantha? I do NOT sulk. 

Samantha - Making Decisions

Nobody knows about the move but Lily and I, and I plan to keep it that way. Mellie never reads the blog unless its her turn to post, (Sometimes I get the feeling this isn’t very important to her at all) and Rebecca is in one of her sulks again, so she won’t read it either. I tried today to drop hints about leaving to Rebecca and Mel. You can probably guess that Rebecca was uninterested. But I had great luck with Mellie! She said that she’s been thinking of other girls to room with, because she wants to find a group that’s more like her. Boy–crazy  and party–lovers, I guess. People like her, who want to get on “the scene” and fool for hours with their hair, trying to attract boys. The funny thing is, though, Melanthe is gay, yet she’s always talking about attracting boys, and crushing on boys. She told me once that she talks like that so people won’t laugh at her. I feel bad for her when she says stuff like that. It seems like she’s always acting when she’s with girls like that, so I guess they aren’t really “girls like her” at all. I never thought of that, but i guess we all act most of the time. To ourselves, yo each other. Maybe what she really wants is a change. I’m kind of bummed that she’d even consider leaving. I guess I just assumed they all felt the way I did. But hey, whatever. If it makes this any easier. We had fun, looking through the Traveling Stars website, checking out girls with available space. Mellie wasn’t really taking it seriously though, which doesn’t mean anything, she’s always like that. Maybe she’ll find another great place to live, wouldn’t that be fun for her? I’ve always thought that she was a bit different then us in that she was more pinky-y and girly and wanted a boyfriend – or girlfriend -  and loved to party. Reckless too, I guess. The type that would nick a stop sign from the side of the road and hang it in her bedroom, the type who isn’t afraid to sass adults and get away with stuff. She’d love to room with girls like her. None of us are like that. Well, I am a little. She loves change and travel, and I thought I did to, but look at me now. Well, I still love travelling, and I guess that all change is hard to take in, its only been a couple days since they told me. I’ll encourage Mel about that, and talk to Rebecca. I do have time, we’re not leaving for a couple weeks. I’m planning to tell them on the first, and we can tell our friends at the party on the Forth of July. By then, we might have everything settled. 

Samantha - Big News

Okay guys, I’ve got news. Big news. Such big news that you will not believe it for a second! I can't even believe it. I'm just....astounded. Its crazy. I never, ever thought it would happen. Okay, so you know I live on Sullivan Street, right? Well, not anymore. Because – We’re moving. Yes. Yes, we’re moving. Not very far, only halfway across town to this street called Ellis Ave. The new house is closer to Sutton, which is good. Clearly, I can’t change schools, because of the scholarship, so it was kinda hard finding another house near Sutton.  But that’s not the real reason we’re moving. You know that my cousin Lilyana, her mother, and her sister Melanie moved in with us after her parents got divorced. Lily moved into my bedroom, and Melanie and Ms. Jones shared the spare. Well, of course Melanie hates sharing a room with her mom, but it didn’t matter so much because she was away at boarding school. But, of course she needs her own room.  Now we’re going to move to a new house that has more space, and a office for Lily’s mom. I’ve seen the house, its fantastic! Its got a huge lawn, and a swing, and trees. There is a great wrap around porch, and a little balcony. The bottom floor is a kitchen, a dining room, a living room, a bathroom, a little den, and a strange room that could be a mudroom, back when they had mudrooms. The second floor is My parents room, Ms. Joneses room, Ms Joneses office, Moms office, and Sara’s room. The third floor is Melanie’s room, Dads office, a bathroom, and our room. Its smaller then the other floors, because part of it is attic-like storage. Sounds great, huh? No. Our new bedroom is nice – But smaller then ours now. Small. Too small for four girls. At first I didn’t understand. We can squeeze, right? But travelling Stars has boarding rules, and by their definition the room is too small for all of us. Its still the biggest bedroom in the house save mom and dads, so there is Nothing We Can Do About It, Sam. Lily could share with Melanie, but nobody wants that, including – especially – Melanie. But it means we can’t all stay. One of us will have to leave. Not Lily, and obviously not me. Rebecca or Melanthe. One of them – our boarders – will have to go. Leave. One of them will have to find a new place to board here – or go back home. Four becoming three. I can’t believe it, oh my god, i just can’t believe it. We’re like the four March sisters – here forever. The four of us – friends, allies, confidants. I don’t want to loose that. I don’t want to loose us. I can’t imagine our room without Mellie or Rebecca. It would feel so empty. We have our four styles, our own little corners, our own quirks and messy habits that blend together into the perfect loft bedroom ever. We work together so well, the perfect team. Even though I know there is nothing we can do – the house has been bought, ours sold – I still think that maybe there is a way for us all to stay, even though I know there won’t be. I just am shocked, i just can’t believe this s happening. But its kind of my decision who has to leave, and I really don’t want it to be. Mellie is my friend, she’s pretty and feisty and funky and flippant. And okay, fine, maybe she has a little shoplifting problem, and she’s got a horrible temper, and she cares to much about her ‘image’ and boys, but that doesn’t matter. And Rebecca, she understands about New York, she seems shy, but she says these amazing, deep things, and she is funny when she wants to be, she’s a great dancer and super smart. She’s the hardest to live with, with her moods and silence, and the angry words I know she doesn’t mean, the times when she seems like a blurred version of herself, like a caricature that’s not funny at all. But I don’t want to let her go. Somehow I feel that if I do, she’ll slip away, just like smoke and I’ll never see her again. I just don’t know what to do.

In Shock,
Samantha