Lilyana - Last day in Montana

Its my last day in Montana. My last full day, I mean. I'm leaving tomorrow. I can't believe I'm leaving, it feels so unreal. I've always known it was just a visit, but call me stupid, I've never really felt like I would ever leave. I felt like my two years in Boston was just a bad dream, and now I've woken up,  I could stay in Montana forever. I could stay here, happy, with my father forever, never have to go back. Well, of course not. I have to go back, and I have to go tomorrow. But I don't want to. I want to stay here forever, the warm sun unobstructed by tall buildings, the grass high and soft against my legs when I go riding. It could be almost like before, with the bus picking me up at the end of the road, sitting next to Rachel, her chatter comforting me as we rumbled along to school. Helping my father in the barn, feeding the horses, eating the dinner my grandmother cooked, seeing the stars out my bedroom window every night. Montana is where I've always been the happiest. Nothing in Boston could compare to that, nothing ever could come close. There's no place on earth where I've ever felt as happy, as free, and as content. Sometimes, I resent my mom, for taking me away. I feel like it was her fault that I don't get to see my father very often. At the beginning, I didn't talk to her for a week, because I was so mad. I still am, in a way. I know she had to move, of course, and Boston was a convenient place to go, because of Aunt Jessy, and the good hospitals and stuff. I understand, but I still haven't quite forgiven her. sometimes, I think I have, but whenever i see my father, I forget. I love him so much, and I can't believe I have to leave him tomorrow. I love Boston and my girls, but I love Montana more. Is that wrong? Should I still want to go back as much as I do? Am I being disloyal to my mom? I know she's done everything and more for us, but in my mind, nothing can make up for taking me away from my father. Even what happened with Grace, I still love my father. I'm not to mad at him for going behind my moms back. Things happen, you know? I couldn't hold it against him. I'm not sure I trust him as much as I did before, but I still adore him. He's my father. And if he wants to date - or marry - this Grace, I'm not going to stop him. He's not married, he's allowed to date. If he wants to marry her, I'm sure i won't mind to much. As long as she's nice, I'd be happy for him. He's my father, for better or for worse.

Today, my father and I went on a ride together, and had a picnic lunch. We also had Rachel over for dinner. I don't want to leave Rachel either. Its hard to stay best friends when you're so far apart, and you don't share so many of the same memories. Maybe she can come visit in Boston soon. That would be fun, I think. But I still don't want to leave her. I'm going to hold on to these last moments the best I can, before i have to leave.

Lilyana

Rebecca - Leaving for camp

Rebecca here. Today I left for Jessamine, Maine, where I go every summer to dance camp for a week. Its about four or five hours away, so I always leave pretty early, because the first class is in the afternoon. Today I got up around five-thirty, and finished packing. I packed some clothes, a book, and my stuffed kitten, Dream. Then I made sure I had my dance bag packed and ready, because its more important then all my clothes. Then I got my guitar, because I can't go anywhere without it. Playing my guitar helps calm me when I'm upset, or comfort me when I'm sad. Its like dancing, but with music, and easier to do in odd places. You can't dance well in a little enclosed space, but you can play guitar. 

Then I said goodbye to Samantha, who was on her way to the beach with Andrea. She wrapped me in an impromptu hug, which really threw me off guard. I don't really like physical contact, especially if its unexpected. 

 The bus ride was pretty long, but also very fun. I love looking out the window and dreaming about the people I see, wondering where they're going and why; who they are and what they do. I feel different when I'm traveling somewhere, more....myself, if that makes sense. I don't know. How do i really know what 'myself' is anyway? How, when nothing is stable, do you maintain a single conciseness anyway? I guess I mean I feel real, not fake, like I'm not pretending. Being on a bus o train or car is like being in-between what I feel and where I'm going. I love to travel because it makes me feel real. Its kind of like the feeling I get when i dance, or get lost in music. Leaving everything behind, and shedding a mask, in a place where nobody knows you. I'd do anything to get that feeling again, because it stops the restlessness and uncertainty. Nobody else seems to feel this way. Am I really the only one who feels so trapped?

It felt so good to be back at Jessamine Dance Academy (JDA). I hadn't been there in so long, but it still looked exactly the same. I would stay here always if I could. I got a room on the forth floor, overlooking the beach. Its so beautiful, like a painting instead of a window. The rooms are pretty nice, very neat, which is good. I like things to be neat and calm in my room, whatever is going on everywhere else. 

The first thing i did was unpack my clothes, putting them all away neatly in the closet. Then i made sure that my dance stuff was clean and all there. It was still an hour to class, so i sat down and finished the Nellie book Samantha lent me. It was OK. I'm not the biggest fan of the american girl books. I find them boring, but I guess each to his own. 

The class was really, really, great. We didn't waste to much time on introductions and silly nice-to-meet-you games. Thats one of the things I like best about JDA. They're really serious. The class was pretty easy, but its only the first day. I had fun, though. I saw some girls I recognized from last year, but none of them talked to me. I've made it clear that I don't want any interaction with them. 

Tomorrow we have more classes, which I'm really excited about. Then I might go down to the beach in the evening. It's one of my favourite places, because it's a private beach, so there aren't any stupid tourists.  

Finally feeling like herself,

Rebecca

Lilyana - 'Fun' in Montana

I cannot believe how much fun I'm having in Montana! Its like I'm living here agin. I've been having so much fun with my father, I've missed him so much. When I'm out here, i know i'd give anything to stay here forever.

Yesterday, Rachel and I went on a day-long riding trip through Beckers Woods. We rode for a while, sunlight dappling Andrina and Moondust Racers sides. Andrina is Rachel's horse. She's a light brown bay with the sweetest disposition. She's really fast, and she and Rachel have won tons of competitions. Moondust Racer is the horse I ride at my fathers. My own horse, Cooper Cream, boards at a stable near where i live ion Boston, so I can ride him a lot. Moondust Racer is a light gray with a darker mane. When I ride her out on foggy mornings, I pretend I'm riding a phantom horse, born of the mist. When I told Rebecca that, she wrote me this amazingly eerie short poem. I never knew Rebecca wrote poetry. I would post it, but I bet Rebecca would kill me. But thats not the foremost of whats on my mind right now.

Yesterday, while riding in the woods, Rachel told me something that I'm not sure about.

"Hey Lilyana." Rachel turned to me, ducking beneath a branch. 

"Yeah?"

"I want to tell you something."

"Sure."

"Its really, really, serious."

"Go on."

"Lilyana, its...its hard to say."

"What s it?" I answered, not really paying that much attention. 

"Its about your father."

"My father?"NOW I was paying attention. What did she have to say about my father that was important? "What about him?" Oh god, what if he had cancer or something, and he told Rachel to tell me because he couldn't do it himself, and he's going to die and i'll be fatherless and they'll sell the ranch and I'll be stuck with mom forever! "Tell me Rachel, oh god, is he dying? Tell me truthfully!"

"Dying? No, Lil, of course not! Thats not what I meant at all!I'm sorry I scared you."

"Thank god!"

"If was dying, he'd tell you himself."

"You think?"

"Definitely." 

"Well, what is it, though?" I asked, part relieved, part annoyed, part scared. Moondust nickered, ad i absently stroked his ears.

"Well....I saw him with a woman yesterday."

"A woman?"

"Yeah, this pretty auburn haired woman."

"You mean...like, dating? A date?"

"I guess so."

"Well, there's nothing wrong if he wants to date again. I mean he's allowed to. He's not married anymore" I almost cried with relief. That was all? Dating? I didn't care if my father dated, not really. I mean, if he got super involved with her and forgot about me, or maybe if she was mean, or he wanted to marry her, I might get upset, with good reason. But just dating? No problem. Even if he wanted to marry agin, I wouldn't mid that much, as long as she was nice and liked horses. Its not like I had any illusions about him and mom getting back together, because I knew that was never happening. "Thts fine rachel. I'm glad you told me, but I don't mind."

"Thats not all." She said. What now? Where they engaged, or something? Was she pregnant?

"What, he's not marring her, tight?"

"Not that I know of."

"Then what?"

"I've....seen her before."

"You know her? Who is she? Is she nice? Do I know her?"

"No to all. Well  except the nice one, because I have no clue. She doesn't look mean. No, I've seen her around a lot."

"They're probably sleeping together."

"Not what I meant Lil, although yes, probably. No, I meant I'd seen her before. Like, while you where still here."

"You mean....while he was still married to mom?"

"Uh-huh." She nodded. Whoa. If she meant what I though she meant, then....

"You never said anything!"

"I didn't put it all together till a week ago. I'd seen her around for ages, I just never connected her to your Dads girlfriend before." My Dads Girlfriend. I never thought i'd ever think those words, let alone hear them. And if Rachel was right, they'd been there for longer then I would expect. Longer then I ever knew.

"You think she was cheating on my mom?"

"I don't know. Who knows? Maybe. Ask him, Lil. You have a right to know."

I do. But did I want to? Did I want to know my dad was cheating on my mom? Well, at least it seemed serious. I'd rather my dad cheated on one girl he seemed to really like then a lot of girls he didn't care about, like some peoples fathers did. But had he? Had there been other girls? I didn't think so. But then, I hadn't noticed this woman either. How much was I missing? I'm going to ask him, maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day. Whenever seemed right.

Lil 

Samantha - In Stockbrige!

Here I am in Stockbridge, after seeing a fantastic play last night! I couldn't blog last night, or in the car, because there is HORRIBLE internet service up here.I mean, no bars.  None at all. Right now I am using the WiFi that we can use as guests at the Red Lion Inn, which is where we are staying.

 It is so amazing here! There are mountains and forests, like the forest of Arden! OK, not really. but still. Miles and miles of trees and mountains and rivers and wilderness. Its so green! When you look out the window you feel you are looking out at something from a fairy story! Its magical, truly it is. It feels very different out here, not like Boston at all! The Inn is pretty too, very fancy and quiet. Our room has pretty furniture that seems to be swan-themed. Ok, a little odd, but still. There are two twin beds, and a huge bathtub! I mean, seriously huge! There is also a pool, which Andrea and I swam in. Andrea did headstands and flips, which, made me laugh a lot. She looked funny-in-a-good-way in her orange dotted bathing suit. I stuck to a plain blue Bikini. We had fun, we really did.

Then we went up the Shakespeare and Compony for the show. Oh my god, it was spectacular! The beginning was a huge storm, and it was so ethereal. There was stormy music and lighting, and nymphs with huge waves, and screaming sailors. It sent chills up my spine. Then there was Ariel, dancing and wrecking havoc on the ship. She was entrancing, with  blond hair that was beaded and streaked with blue, and a way of moving that made her seem so much like a spirit of air and mystery. I found myself watching her the whole night, utterly entranced by her movement, the grace that kept her in almost constant motion, like a true, wondrous spirit. She danced well to, as did the other nymphs that wore these great costumes. Awesome headdresses! At first, I didn't like that they had a girl playing Prospero, but I got used to it in time. She was good, and it gave the character much more dimension, especially because I've never liked Prospero anyway. Miranda was alright, But I don't think she was as pretty as all that, like the Prince says she is. We had so much fun!

Samantha

Samantha - Surprise!

Again, I find myself apoligizing for the bad quality of the pictures, the spelling errors, and the ipads general blogging ability. (which is bad, and getting on my nerves.) I'm not sure why it makes the pictures so big, but I promise you it shall be fixed. It also seems that I cannot do seperate paragraphs, and again, I'm sorry. That is beyond my control. But I will go back and do a huge spell cheek on the last two entries. Or, I'll try to, at any rate. I will try a new stratigy on paragraph breaks, but I doubt it will work. (It Didn't work, so here I am three days later fixing it. -Samantha, July 21st)
Today it rained. No, not rained. Poured. Heaved buckets of frezzing water down from a merciless sky. Andrea and I stayed in and watched some kiddie cartoons with Vernom. Ahh, the good old days of Bob The Builder and Martha Speaks. Honestly, i really hate Martha Speaks. It seems to me the epitome of a bad TV show for children. Boring. Then Andrea and I attemped to do something fun, but alas, we were thrawted by rain. So we had to wait around until after lunch, when the rain stopped. Then we went out side and enjoyed the lovely woods in Aunt Nancy's backyard. They really are lovely woods. Thick bushes and tall trees and a muffling carpet of decomposing leaves. Andrea and I had fun climbing the trees, and pretendind we were runaways hiding out in the haunted woods. Andrea scaredthe heck out of me by jumping down from a low tree brach with her shirt up over he head. She looked headless, it was quite terrifing.



Remember I said that Aunt Nancy had a surprise for us? Well, I did, and she does. She gave us two tickets to The Tempest up at Shakespeare And Compony, which is a play about a bunch of people on an island. The tickets are for tomorrow night, and we have a room at a hotel to stay in tommorrow to. Its in some place called 'Stockbridge.' I've neverbeen to Stockbridge begore. I wonder what it will be like.

Happily awaiting Tomorrow,

Samantha

Samantha - from the train

I've never posted from my ipad before, and I'm having quite the time of it. Give me a laptop any day! I'm on the train right now, Andrea sitting next to me.We have been on the train for about an hour, so we have another hour or so to go before we get there.

We woke up quite early this morning to get to the train station. Andrea is not very fond of waking early, so I had to go next door and 'encourage' her. Not an easy task, especealy at five thirty in the morning. In Andrea world, 'encourage' means 'Force her out of bed with a bag of chocolate." Ah, the lengths I go to. We stopped at a Duckin Donuts on the way to the train station to get breakfest. I got a nice simple blueberry muffin. Andrea got five donuts. I mean, come on, there must be a limit to her apitite SOMEWHERE, right? Well, not here, clearly.

Currently on the train, i have read three chapters of The Forgotton Garden, had a conversation with Andrea about last nights Bunheads episode, and ate half a snickers bar. I wanted to eat the WHOLE snickers bar, but a certain Andrea foiled my plans. When I got back to the bathroom, it was gone. Three guess's who took it! Right now, between typing and swearing under my breath at my ipad, I'm looking out the window. I love looking out the window, watching all the scenery go by. There are tons of trees, much more then in the city. I've also seen variose cows and horses, and a varity of Mcdonalds. I'm very sorry for any spelling errors, as my ipad does not have spell cheek. Huh. Strange. Anyway, i'll post again tonight.

 Tonight, tonight, I'll post again tonight!
 Samantha

Lilyana - Here in Montana!!!

Hey guys! I can't believe this, but here I am in Montana with my father!

The plane ride was OK, it was also a little turbulent, but I didn't mind to much. We lifted off in the morning, and when we went above the clouds, the sun was so bright and pretty that it hurt my eyes just to look at it, even though I wanted to. During most of the flight, I read 'The Stone Pony,' which is probably one of my favourite books ever. I love the part where she realizes that her sister's horse's name was Orion mixed up. That made me cry the first time I read it.

My dad picked me up at the airport in his old blue truck! It was so good to see him, because the last time I'd visited was over Christmas break. I missed him so much. I've never told my mom this, but after the divorce, when they agreed that she'd have custody of me, I was very upset. I had almost fooled myself into hoping that i'd get to stay with my father on the ranch. Its not that I love dad more then mom, of course I don't. Not really. But everybody - EVERYBODY- would choose one parent over the other if it came down to it. And it did come down to it, and honestly, I'd choose my dad, not my mom. If it had been up to me, that would have been the choice I'd make. But it wasn't. I just had to go along with whatever they wanted. I love my mom a lot, but she doesn't understand me the way my father does. She doesn't really get my love for horses and riding, whereas dad was the one who first encouraged me to ride. She's always worrying about me, which I suppose is justified, but my father sees me more as a person, if that makes sense. He understands me, I'm a lot like him. If i could, I'd go back to Montana and my father for good, but I can't. At least i can visit, but its not really the same, is it?

I can't believe how little the ranch had changed in the time I'd been away. Everything was still perfect and beautiful and green. The horses were all there, and I almost cried. It felt so good to be home.

Tomorrow I'm going to see Rachel. I couldn't today, because she's still at overnight camp. But she'll be back tomorrow. I've missed Rachel so much! It will be great to see her again. I adore Ani, or course, but nobody can ever replace Rachel.

I'm not going to post very much out here. Firstly, because there's not good service, and secondly because I plan to be very busy. But I'll do a couple posts, and bring back pictures.

Lilyanna